Deciphering love language
Published: October 31, 2009
Touch. Words. Time. Service. Gifts.
In his book, The Five Love Languages, Dr. Gary Chapman describes how we give love and what we need to feel loved. Those who require touch place great emphasis on physical contact; word people need verbal affirmation of their worth; some need time spent with those close to them; others value gestures—picking up the laundry or remembering it’s trash day; some need love in the form of presents.
Some of my students heard a lecture on the love languages in their health class this week. I found this intriguing: I remember health class as a dull, uninspiring course taught by a reluctant coach who evidently knew everything about coaching football and very little about anything else.
My students’ health teacher is also a coach, but she has an interest in all students—not just those tall, lithe girls who vie for spots on her varsity volleyball team. She teaches them about nutrition, she stresses the importance of finding a fitness activity that they enjoy so that staying physically healthy will be an enjoyable part of their lives.
And she cares about their emotional health.
Instead of skimming through the chapters on human sexuality and avoiding any embarrassing questions, she encourages frank discussion about the topic and places special emphasis on the emotional factor.
I’ve never read Chapman’s book, but I’m intrigued by the premise: understanding what our partners (not to mention siblings, parents, friends and co-workers) need in order to feel loved and appreciated could prevent endless misunderstandings and probably save many relationships from certain failure.
I’ve been thinking about my own intimate relationships. My mother, for example, shows love through service. It took me years to understand that if she stopped by my house to pick up something when I wasn’t home, and just happened to fold all of my laundry, that was an act of love rather than an irritating interference.
I think I inherited my love language from her. I like doing things for people: cooking dinner for a friend; feeding a neighbor’s cat while she is away. I am not so good in other areas. As much as I love words, I fall short when it comes to expressing my feelings; I find it silly to have to utter phrases of affirmation. When forced to do so, I become tongue-tied and easily frustrated. As a result, I am often misunderstood. Even as a teacher, I have to remind myself to tell students when they’ve done a good job.
I think most men probably think that women need gifts to feel loved, and I certainly know women who do. I have friends for whom every birthday, anniversary and Christmas is marked by a platinum or gold token of affection.
What I require is time. Perhaps because I have so little of it, I recognize its value. A meaningful conversation; a shared bottle of wine; a walk in the park—these are the things I crave.
Touch. Words. Service. Time. Gifts: such simple words in our language, yet they are pregnant with meaning. More attention to them may just result in fuller, happier lives.
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