Uncovering the mysteries of Superman

Posted Oct 22, 2009 by TBO.com

Updated Oct 24, 2009 at 04:57 PM

It all started with a bottle of Gatorade Glacier Freeze.

This powder blue ambrosia was magic in my mouth on a muggy Florida afternoon. I was intrigued.

What is this wonderful nectar? How did they capture all that icy, glacier goodness in a bottle? Who is the genius behind this splendid thirst quencher?

I wanted to give this person a giant hug directly from my electrolyte-infused soul.

I started to investigate. I never imagined the deep, dark secrets I would uncover.

After hours of digging through record databases, documents and files, I stumbled across Dr. Frances Tarkenstein. Dr. Tarkenstein was a molecular biologist who had began his Doctoral studies as a graduate assistant at the University of Florida under famed nephrologist J. Robert Cade.

In 1965, Cade and his research team, Tarkenstein included, are credited with devising the formula for a carbohydrate-electrolyte beverage that would become the basis of the Gatorade sports drink.

Dr. Tarkenstein would remain an integral member of Cade’s research team for nearly a decade until an ill-advised attempt at creating a new passion fruit flavor variety left Tarkenstein and two of his lab assistants horribly disfigured after a freak laboratory accident.

Shamed and embarrassed, Dr. Tarkenstein left his post at the University of Florida to pursue his own private research.

It was in his personal lab that had been disguised to look like a livestock barn on a desolate farm about 27 miles outside of Ocala, Florida, that he would discover one of the greatest scientific innovations of the century.

Here are some excerpts from Dr. Tarkenstein’s personal experiment log:

December 4, 1994
I feel as though I am close to producing a viable specimen. By adjusting the levels of deoxynucleoside triphosphates introduced during the formation of the polymerase structure, we were able to further refine the Tarkenstinian Method for creating a stable helix within the DNA strand. 

November 24, 1996
’It was on a dreary night of November that I beheld the accomplishment of my toils.’

‘I feel my heart glow with an enthusiasm which elevates me to heaven, for nothing contributes so much to tranquillize the mind as a steady purpose — a point on which the soul may fix its intellectual eye.’

August 14, 1997
Success!!! Specimen w-15 of the Tarkenstinian method, transcribed bioengineered organism (TM TBO W15) has been successfully incubated. This could represent the most genetically perfect being in the history of humanity!!!

‘Life and death appeared to me ideal bounds, which I should first break through, and pour a torrent of light into our dark world.’

June 29, 1998
Even before specimen 15 has reached his first birthday, he is already showing the genetic characteristics that I so carefully crafted: Aggression without violence. Confidence without hubris. Obedience without subservience.

I feel as though I have created the most perfect human.

April 20, 2002
Specimen 15 continues to amaze me with his rapid development. Today a calf escaped the fence that surrounds the compound. Specimen 15 managed to run down the calf, tackle it and carry it back on his shoulders nearly two miles without so much as breaking a sweat. I fear that I may no longer be able to keep him here on the compound for much longer as his abilities are quickly becoming more than I can control.

May 16, 2002
I had to say good bye to my precious Specimen 15 today. I have found a suitable foster home with a young family from Duval County who can better provide an environment that will foster the power that Specimen 15 has developed.

I fret the notion that someday my most-perfect creation could become any less.

August 12, 2002
Specimen 15 has discovered the game of football. I have unleashed TM TBO-w15 on the world.

May God have mercy on my soul.