The Terror Of It All

Posted Oct 19, 2006 by Darin Shaw

Updated Oct 19, 2006 at 10:07 AM

It has been a week of terror across the NFL. 

Out west there was Denny Green screaming at an assembly of terrified reporters, racing out the door and firing the first assistant coach that crossed his path.  “The Bears are who we expected them to be!  You want to crown them?  We let them off the hook!  @#$%^&*!  Hey you!  Rowen!  Pack up your office!  You’re out of here!” 

On the east coast it was Brian Billick firing his friend Jim Fassel.  The terror there was even greater in that he cooly announced it at a press conference.  “Earlier today, I walked down the hallway and fired the first coach I saw.  I said, ‘Excuse me.  You there.  Oh, Jim.  Hey, Jim!  How’s the wife?  Listen, clean out your office.  You’re fired.’” 

Chiefs’ RB Larry Johnson has had a terror filled week.  He’s suffered from nightmares all week long.  In his dream he gets tangled in a big mane of black hair and it swallows him up and smothers the life out of him.

And, while I’m on the subject of hair pulling – nice of the NFL to show a feminine side.  Until this past weekend, the only good hair-pulling NFL fans could expect was when the Carolina Panthers’ Cheerleaders went out to a bar.  I say swing the man around by his mane!

In New York, terror has gripped the Giants organization as Tiki Barber started dropping hints that he might retire at year’s end to pursue other interests.  As Barber is lighting the NFL rushing stats on fire these days, that’s a credible threat!

The Department of Homeland Security and the FBI, however, have determined that threats posted on an extremist website claiming terrorist attacks will be carried out in 7 NFL cities this weekend, is not credible.  The website claims that dirty bombs will be detonated in New York, Miami, Atlanta, Cleveland, Seattle, Houston and Oakland.  Let’s see: terror on the field in Cleveland, Houston and Oakland?  Insert your punchline here.

Terror?  That’s what my numbers have done to other so-called NFL expert prognosticators these last couple of weeks.  Let me keep the pressure on them.  Here are my ‘be-afraid, be-very-afraid, and-I’m-not-living-in-a-cave-releasing-VHS-tapes-to-tell-ya’ picks for Week 7: (In a real cat-fight) Bengals over Panthers, Jets over Lions, Dolphins over Packers, Jaguars over Texans, Bucs over Eagles, Patriots over Bills (LOSS-man), Steelers over Falcons, Chargers over Chiefs, Broncos over Browns, Cardinals over Raiders (If the Raiders win, a bomb really will go off at Denny Green’s post game press conference.), Vikings over Seahawks, Colts (and Booger) over Redskins, Giants over Cowboys.  BYE: Ravens – helping Jim Fassel clear out his office; Bears – helping Rex Grossman forget his last outing; Saints – looking like Cinderella; 49ers – playing like Cinderella; Rams – scratching their heads over last week’s loss; Titans – scratching their heads over last week’s win.