You can tell things must be slow at the NFL offices. Now the Grumpy Old Men who run that league want to pass a rule regulating the length of players’ hair. More specifically, they want to regulate how much of that hair shows. Image is everything, as someone once said.

Well, Pacman Jones hasn’t been arrested in a while and the Cincinnati Bengals are staying off the police blotters, so the button-down stuffed shirts who run this league have to do something.

Why, yes!

Let’s make a rule that says a player can get in real trouble if his hair covers up his name and on the back of his jersey. That’s an honest-to-you-gotta-be-kiddin’-me proposal that has worked its way onto the owner’s agenda next week in Palm Beach.

What is this - 1965?

Then again, what do we expect? This is a league that promotes mayhem of the highest order, yet will fine a player for not tucking his shirt in or showing 2 inches too much of his sock. Following this logic through, the NFL should fine players if their uniforms get so muddy that we can’t quite make out the number.

The NFL clearly wants society to morph back to a simpler time, way, way back to the good ol’ days where Men were Men and long-haired hippie types were a danger to society. Personal choice? All for it - as long as your personal choice agrees with mine. Otherwise, gotta stomp you like a bug.

Not too far back though. Tickets only cost a couple of bucks to a game back then. Gotta stay hip and current, too.

To be fair, the league says players who don’t want to get a haircut can stuff their locks down the back of their jersey or something, like that’s practical. But you know players will do their best to get around it if possible, so the NFL may have to hire an enforcer, just to keep things in line in case some player has a bad hair day.

Do you maggots understand what it takes? Only a pro will do.

Maybe someone like this guy. Wouldn’t you love to see him out there on Sunday afternoon, ruler in hand, going from player to player. “Polamalu! The first and last words out of your filthy sewer will be Sir!”

“Sir yes sir!”

Wow. And we haven’t even gotten to tattoos yet.

So much control to take over people’s lives, so little time.