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Here come the Buccaneers to London (again)

Posted Apr 14, 2011 by Paul Stewart

Updated Apr 14, 2011 at 09:21 AM

Two years ago the Bucs UK were fortunate enough to see their heroes play at Wembley Stadium. Club members who had long hoped for the chance to travel across the Atlantic to see the Pewter and Red take the field suddenly had the chance to do so without even looking at their passports.

The result was irrelevant. The atmosphere was magical and the events of the weekend with the club meal, the touch football and the tail-gate events were so special. And then came all the pictures and the NFL Films documentary to follow.

We all sat back, tried to take it all in and realised we had seen a once-in-a-lifetime event.

And then just like London buses, two came along at once. Two years after Tampa Bay gave up a home game to play host to New England in London, they seem likely to do it again in 2011 against the Chicago Bears. And even I had not seen this one coming in my wildest dreams.

Initially I felt very sorry for the Tampa-based fans. When you only have eight home games a year, then losing 12.5% of them is a lot. It is not like hockey and basketball which play an 82 game season and baseball were you keep playing until the Yankees win 100 games and make the post-season.

And what happened to the NFL’s promise of every team making one such trip? Putting up with the disruption, travel logistics and long flights to come across the pond to spread the word of football/sell more merchandise (delete where you think appropriate).

I guess the likes of Jerry Jones and Jim Irsay are not prepared to give up one of their precious home games after all in the name of collective responsibility after all.

But then you look at the fact that the Bucs did not sell out a single game in 2010 in spite of a 10-6 season and the youngest and most exciting team in the NFL. The Tampa area has suffered a lot from economic downturns and the Buccaneers want to capitalise on their marketing potential to a much wider audience.

Hence the likelihood of the Bucs featuring on the NFL’s “Hard Knocks” training camp show in 2011 and the chance to gain further worldwide acclaim from bringing their product to a wider audience. And the fact that they have the longest and most renowned NFL fan club in the UK has not hurt either.

So here we all go again. Delay those holiday plans to Florida for the official Bucs UK trip, prepare for another weekend of events with the club and the team, and the chance to once again see Josh Freeman lead the offense on a London field. Just need to make sure I do a better job calling the plays this time round with Gene Deckerhoff.

You’ve been great, enjoy the Clash (London calling).

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The ups and downs of being Josh Freeman

Posted Feb 23, 2011 by Paul Stewart

Updated Feb 23, 2011 at 08:31 AM

Right now everyone loves No.5. A great finish to the season, wins in the final two games and the future looking so bright that Jon Gruden has passed his shades on to someone else. But it hasn’t always been that way for the Bucs’ young signal-caller as a quick trip down memory lane indicates.

April 2009 - UP - Selected in the first round, Josh gets to bring his family, friends and 23 people who once lived down his street on to the stage in New York to meet Commissioner Roger Goodell. He then travels to Tampa as Raheem Morris and Mark Dominik’s first selection and does the traditional press conference without managing to get wound up by Rick Stroud of The St.Petersburg Times.

September 2009 - DOWN - Find himself No.3 on the depth chart behind Josh Johnson and the Pillsbury Dough Boy. After Byron Leftover loses his first three starts, the call comes for Josh to take over as starter but it’s Johnson not Freeman.

October 2009 - UP - Down 35-7 to the Patriots at Wembley Stadium, the call comes down to Raheem Morris to “go with 5”. Josh trots on to the field for his first live NFL regular season action.

October 2009 - DOWN THEN UP THEN DOWN AGAIN - He is sacked on his first pass attempt. He completes his first pass to Brian Clark but the play is called on Buccaneer radio by yours truly.

November 2009 - UP - After the bye week, Josh makes his first NFL start, throws his first touchdown pass (to Derrick Ward) and leads the Bucs to a 38-28 win over the Packers on Throwback weekend.

December 2009 -DOWN - Josh starts the remaining eight games and throws 17 interceptions in those games including five in Carolina and three more the following week against the Jets.

Off-season 2010 - UP - Firmly established as the starter, everyone praises his work ethic and attendance at One Buc Place as he strives to gain the necessary knowledge to start in the NFL and be successful.

Pre-season 2010 - DOWN - Throwing a pass in an exhibition game against Kansas City, he bangs his hand on a lineman’s helmet and has a thumb fracture. He missed the remainder of the pre-season and everyone wonders what this will do for his development and how the Bucs are going to struggle because of this injury.

September/October 2010 - UP - Freeman leads the Bucs to a 4-2 mark and comeback wins over the Browns, Bengals, Rams and Cardinals.

November 2010 - DOWN - Josh has two of his six interceptions in 2010 in one game against the Falcons and people start writing columns about his being in a slump and needing to pick his game up if the Bucs are going to succeed.

December 2010 - UP - Freeman merely throws nine touchdown and no interceptions in the final four games for stats that are just off-the-scale and the best in the NFL. The Bucs miss the playoffs but every TV and radio show wants a piece of the next young star in the NFL.

What all this goes to prove is that fans and sports writers have short memories and our lasting off-season image will be of Josh Freeman being a complete hero. Of course things can change quickly and one early 2011 game with a couple of picks will soon have the trolls and fickle fans out in full force to criticise him.

But for now, unless he is pictured at a Super Bowl being fed popcorn by Cameron Diaz, or gets beaten by TJ Rives in an off-season golf event, then there is not a lot he can do to spoil the great image that everyone in Buccaneer colours has for him now.

You’ve been great, enjoy the JoBoxers.

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All these athlete quarterbacks who keep failing

Posted Feb 17, 2011 by Paul Stewart

Updated Feb 17, 2011 at 04:22 AM

We are just over two months away from the NFL draft which will take place whether there is a CBA agreement or not. All you need are owners and new players for this one. And if there is a lockout, then you can bet every player drafted will make some kind of replacement roster.

But aside from wild speculations, mock drafts are all the rage right now. OK so I lied about the wild speculations. Like the mock we ran earlier in the week that had the Bucs taking a defensive tackle in the first round. Haven’t these people heard of Gerald McCoy, Brian Price and Roy Miller?

The most coveted position in a draft by the media is of course the quarterback one. From the legendary 1983 draft where six went in the first round (of which three are Hall of Famers) to the three who included Josh Freeman in 2009, the top passers coming out of college are subject to more scrutiny than any other.

The term “franchise quarterback” is one bandied about and teams have gone into multi-year slumps based on mistakes made on passers at the top end of the draft (Cincinnati - Klingler, Smith, Detroit - Harrington, San Diego - Leaf etc).

But in recent years, it seems each draft has a real can’t miss running/passing player going in the first round who is “the next Michael Vick” (that should scare dog lovers everywhere) and who will revolutionise the position for the next decade. And they keep failing.

Trent Dilfer, who aside from being a first round failure as a franchise QB for the Bucs, is one of the best analysts out there right now and took part in a superb ESPN interview with Bill Simmons just before the Super Bowl in which he talked about scouting these players.

And his point was that too many of these “athlete quarterbacks”, the Vince Youngs, the JaMarcus Russells of the world, they have been successful in college based on their athletic abilities and not their heads. They have never had to truly read or understand a defense, so hence they fail when they get into the NFL.

Dilfer also put Michael Vick into that category as before his incarceration, he was exactly the same and “a horrible passer” according to Trent. But since Andy Reid got hold of him, Vick has learned to read defenses and his passer rating and ability as an all-round quarterback has gone through the roof.

I will brag a little here and claim that I called both Young and Russell as future busts from before they were drafted for the same reason. And I will have Cam Newton firmly in that category and potentially Tim Tebow too.

The likes of Josh Freeman and Ben Roethlisberger are athletic and can move around the pocket to extend a play, but they are doing it whilst continuing to read a defense. And they have the abilities up top to make it all work. Would anyone anywhere call JaBustus Russell (as Steve Careford now calls him) any kind of leader?

So when the first round rolls round at the end of April, someone is going to take Newton and is going to claim that his future potential totally outweighs any doubts over his passing ability or mental make-up. And now that Matt Millen is finally barred from ever selecting another player, you just know that Washington’s prize idiot Dan Snyder is going to pull the trigger on another athletic quarterback disaster.

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The curse of Twitter

Posted Jan 27, 2011 by Paul Stewart

Updated Jan 27, 2011 at 10:26 AM

Jay Cutler comes out of the NFC Championship game injured and immediately the stories start about whether he was really hurt or not. The curse of Twitter now strikes the dumb American sports jock as it has done over here in the UK.

Because out come the likes of Maurice Jones-Drew and others who start posting comments criticising Cutler without knowing any of the true facts.

And then when the truth appears, Jones-Drew and others start back-pedalling faster than a cornerback in a zone, claiming they weren’t being serious/didn’t realise Twitter could be seen by everyone/were complete morons (delete where appropriate).

The main topic has been over Cutler’s attitude on the sideline which is not exactly what you would call inspiring. Again you can bring Josh Freeman in as a comparison in character and team leadership here. Well, actually it’s no comparison. Anyone want to take Cutler over No.5?

Twitter is a device for idiots to say things to the world without engaging their brains. Or in the case of Liverpool’s Ryan Babel, engaging a brain that is devoid of actual brain cells. And now the likes of MJD and other NFL stars have begun to realise that.

Juniors declaring for the draft
I hear on the grapevine that Heisman Trophy winner Cam Newton is going to leave college and declare for the draft. I am amazed he could afford to turn down that much money to leave Auburn.

The Labour Agreement issue
I have a whole series of features on the labour negotiations between the NFL Owners and the Players’ Association ready to run as this is the biggest issue of the entire off-season. Both sides claim to be talking, both sides are posturing beyond belief and still we wait for serious developments.

And I don’t include some of Roger Goodell’s recent outbursts in that category. Only taking $1 in salary if there is a lockout, numerous press releases etc. In my view, anyone who is having to tell everyone what a great job they are doing, cannot rely on the facts to back up their performance and/or they have something to hide.

Goodell is a good Commissioner and has a tough job to do. But sending out global releases taking credit for moving the Pro Bowl before the Super Bowl “for the fans’ benefit”, it smacks of desperation. And Pro Football Weekly laid into him with both barrels last week.

If the owners want 18 games, then the players want something back. Some of the owners want help with the buge debts they have on their stadiums, the players have told them to get stuffed. And in the middle are the fans who just want football.

There will need to be give and take on both sides - that is what negotiation is all about. But the bigger picture here is bigger than just football in 2011, it is the damage that could happen to the sport with a lockout would be the same as baseball in 1994/95.

Guys take a leaf out of Pete Rozelle’s book - lock everyone in a room with no air conditioning and don’t leave until you get an agreement. No posturing, no success-claiming press releases, just results please.

You’ve been great, enjoy Otis Day and the Knights

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Two weeks into the off-season and bored already

Posted Jan 20, 2011 by Paul Stewart

Updated Jan 20, 2011 at 05:26 AM

When do pitchers and catchers report?

Cold Weather Football
It seems to be an accepted fact that football games played in freezing conditions is just ideal. Ideal for who? Perhaps Buccaneer fans have been spoiled by watching games in beautiful warm weather in Tampa, but I find the idea of sitting outside for four hours in sub-zero temperatures about as appealing as sitting for that long with Nick Halling.

Images of players’ breath visible at the line of scrimmage, of players huddled in overcoats on the sideline, and of morons in the crowd with bare chests trying to get on the TV. it might do it for you but it sure as heck doesn’t for me.

I can understand geography plays a huge part and that outdoor cold weather games are a fact of nature in the likes of Chicago, Green Bay and New York. But as for the people who want to see a Super Bowl played in a cold weather city - you really are having a laugh.

Anyone attending the game sure as heck wouldn’t enjoy it so much. And the big money corporate people would soon find that there aren’t enough luxury boxes with heating to go round. The only people who like these sub-zero games are the people in those boxes, and the people sitting in their warm homes watching on television.

Who to root for in the playoffs
Most of you are well aware that I don’t give a monkey’s about non-Buccaneer football. And my total viewing time for the past two weeks has been about 40 seconds when flicking channels. But I will watch the Super Bowl just on the off-chance that Erasure or Flock of Seagulls are invited at late notice to do the half-time show.

Of the four teams remaining, I have partial reasons for rooting for three of them. Expansion Buccaneer and friend Barry Smith was a 1st round pick of the Packers in the 70s and long-time buddy Rick Moore is a die-hard Chicago lover. And in the AFC, Hollywood Dodds loves the Steelers. But even though they’ve won fifty or so Super Bowls so far, there is no way I can root for that foot-loving egomanic in New York so I’ll want to see Pittsburgh lose in the big one to either of the NFC teams. So why exactly did I pick Jets and Packers in this week’s competition?

NFL Statistic of the Year
TV companies have been asked to increase their use of “frozen tundra” because the Packers have been on the road twice in the post-season. Look for additional mentions during the NFC Championship game even though it is being held at Soldier Field and not Lambeau.

Head coaching watch
So all the jobs are filled and none of them are now occupied by anyone called Billick, Cowher or Gruden. Of course we are all really glad Brian will continue to commentate on NFC games as he is the best out there by a mile, but the other teams turning down Super Bowl winners? Just maybe no-one is prepared to give Bill or Jon the kind of total control they seem to want.

So if we are going to have Cowher in the CBS commentary team for another year, can we please stop calling him “Coach Cowher”? Or maybe “ex-Coach Cowher” instead?

Another commentary thought - every time a top player (or Keyshawn) seems to retire, they join one of the analysis teams. The desks are getting too big to fit on camera now. “Hey and welcome to NFL 2017 and your summary team of Boomer, Tom, Keyshawn, Cris, Michael, Howie, Brett, Marvin, Tony, Jon and still unemployed Coach Cowher”. Ridiculous.

Bone to pick with Pro Football Weekly
Great magazine but how the heck does Scott Pioli win GM of the Year in Kansas City? How do their off-season moves compare to what Mark Dominik did in turning up starters and gems from anywhere and everywhere? And like the AFC West was anywhere near the challenge the NFC South was. Total Patriot and ex-Patriot bias as usual from PFW.

You’ve been great, enjoy Guru Josh.

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Where do the Bucs stand amongst the NFL elite?

Posted Jan 13, 2011 by Paul Stewart

Updated Jan 13, 2011 at 05:37 AM

It was amusing the other day to look back to September to check out Pro Football Weekly’s Power Rankings before the 2010 season began. The Bucs were down in 30th (they ended in 12th), Dallas were 4th (21st) and Pittsburgh 17th (3rd). Just goes to show what most pundits really know.

But it did get me thinking about ranking the 32 NFL teams based on where they stand on a platform for going forward. And for this I would consider ownership, franchise quarterback and then overall talent as my three areas of measurement. Because although teams can have one good year here and there, those first two categories are crucial to the long-term success of a franchise in the modern era.

The elite - Atlanta, Baltimore, New England, Philadelphia, Pittsburgh.
I really don’t think you can argue with any of these five perhaps except the inclusion of the Ravens. But Steve Biscotti is the kind of sold stay-out-the-spotlight owner that every really good team needs and they have a great coach in John Harbaugh. Atlanta has the franchise QB, the Eagles have been good every year Andy Reid has been there and the Patriots and Steelers go in without comment.

The next level - Chicago, Dallas, Green Bay, Indianapolis, New Orleans, NY Giants, NY Jets, San Diego
Now this is where it starts to get interesting. Most of these teams have their franchise passer in place although the Bears are the possible discussion point here as to their inclusion. But they won their division again and were in the Super Bowl not so long ago with Interceptorsaurus Rex at QB so they must have enough other key parts in place to be deserving of such status.

The Colts are beginning their long-expected downturn but it’s been a good ride and with Peyton at the helm, will always be there or thereabouts. And if the Chargers ever get a real coach instead of Norv, then perhaps they too can finally reach the elite status that their talent level has expected the past few seasons.

Middle of the pack - Houston, Jacksonville, Kansas City, Tennessee
The Texans perenially under-achieve, the Titans always over-achieve. Perhaps that is a snapshot of the head coaches involved. But there are enough question marks about all four to keep them in the middle of the rankings for now.

Just above the bottom - Cleveland, Detroit, Miami, Minnesota, Oakland, San Francisco, Seattle, St.Louis, Washington
The Rams have their franchise QB in place as do the Lions but they are a long way from truly proving themselves in the NFL. And there are enough issues surrounding the Dolphins and Vikings to make a case for them dropping down from even this position. And whilst Al Davis owns the Raiders, they will never truly be a long-term force in the NFL again. Sad to say but unfortunately too true.

The cellar dwellers - Arizona, Buffalo, Carolina, Cincinnati, Denver
A recent Super Bowl team in the basement? That’s what happen when you mortgage your future to Matt Leinhart. Right now the Cardinals will take any quarterback, let alone a franchise one. The Bengals have the worst owner in the NFL, Denver have two years of Josh McDaniels’ mess to clear up and the Bills and Panthers need more than just a franchise passer to even become respectable.

And now the $64,000 question - where do the Bucs rank?
Right in the middle with a view to moving up the second tier in 2011. The solid ownership is in place (and I know that some people will disagree but I have seen how things work behind the scenes and I have no doubts at all here), we might just have ourselves a franchise quarterback (anyone think Josh Freeman isn’t the real deal?) and there is more young talent on the Tampa roster than most other places in the league.

But I do remember 1998. Everyone expected the Bucs to be a major player after their breakout 1997 season and the weight of expectation as well as the disruption caused by the new stadium put them behind the eight-ball from the start.

Things are definitely looking up in Tampa. And along with the likes of Atlanta and Detroit, there is true realistic optimism about the future. Contrastly, Dolphins and Vikings fans must wonder if they have reached the bottom of the abyss yet based on the direction they were heading at the end of the 2010 season.

You’ve been great, enjoy the Goombay Dance Band.

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My award nominations for the 2010 season

Posted Dec 30, 2010 by Paul Stewart

Updated Dec 30, 2010 at 10:41 AM

As we reach that time of the year when everyone in the Bucs UK and on BUCPOWER.COM gets to vote in the nine different award categories, time also therefore for my annual article in which I make my own nominations and the reasons behind them.

OFFENSE - with honourable mentions to LeGarrette Blount, Mike Williams and Kellen Winslow, there is one man who makes it all happen and that is Josh Freeman. The Buccaneers have never had a quarterback this good and he is still only in his second year with just over 20 starts to his resume. The composure, mobility and total leadership Josh has shown this year has been staggering and the sky is the limit for this guy in the years ahead.

DEFENSE - this has not been a stellar year for the Buccaneer defense compared to the glory Monte Kiffin and Tony Dungy years but they still did enough of a job to earn a Top-20 NFL ranking. But for individuals, you have to look to the corner position and Aqib Talib. He has become the shutdown corner that the team needed and his absence through injury was noticed the final month of the season.

SPECIAL TEAMS - Connor Barth is the reliable kicker that every good team needs and Robert Malone solidified the punting role after the “Blunder from Down Under” Chris Bryan was released. But this one has to go to Micheal Spurlock - another kick return touchdown, an 80-yarder against Seattle. Remember when we always dreamed of a kick return score? And here comes Barrett Ruud ..... was supposed to be in the Defensive category but he over-pursued this one as well.

ROOKIE - wow, where do you start? In previous years, someone making a dozen tackles on special teams got a win in this category. In 2010, you can make a case for LeGarrette Blount, Ted Larsen, Gerald McCoy, Cody Grimm or Arrelious Benn. But with double figures in touchdown receptions, Mike Williams, take a bow. You deserve it.

NFL PLAYER OF THE YEAR - This is a little hard for me as I don’t watch a lot of other football outside of the Bucs. So hence my vote goes to No.5. Based on stats and general impression, it is hard to look past Tom Brady and King Fido for the respective conferences though.

ALlAN LEES MEMORIAL AWARD FOR THE WRITER OF THE YEAR - I am blessed to be editing so many great writers on this site. In order of weekly appearance, Alex Howells, Nick Houllis and Steve Careford with Denis Crawford out of the bullpen. How could I possibly cast a vote for any one? So I will pass and give an honourable mention to Tony Kornheiser for his superb work on PTI which makes me laugh every morning when I listen to the podcast of each show.

FAVOURITE BUCCANEER - Again I am blessed here to have met so many of the players to know them more than just their on-field actions. But in spite of what Josh Freeman has done, how can you not root for Cadillac Williams? What he did coming back from the two knee injuries, how he helps out the passing game with his receiving and blitz pickups, and how he plays the team role all the time.

BOB TIMONEY MEMORIAL AWARD FOR THE BUCCANEER OF THE YEAR - Lots of possible candidates here led by Cadillac and Josh on the field, Mark Dominik and Raheem Morris off the field, and Brian Ford and Christy Schnell in the Bucs’ front office. But cast your mind back to early 2010 and the Winter Olympics - Dan Money, the first Bucs UK member to represent his country. And in a sport like the bobsleigh too. Anyone who read his posts on the BUCPOWER message board became a fan on the spot and his interview on 1010 Sports was excellent. Well done Dan, a real Buccaneer!

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Stuffing the turkey and the Seahawks

Posted Dec 27, 2010 by Paul Stewart

Updated Dec 27, 2010 at 06:28 AM

Twas the night after Christmas and a not a soul was stirring. Well not in the Seattle locker room anyway.

They had just flown across country for a game that turned out to be meaningless to their chances to win the NFC Worst, and ran into a young and feisty Buccaneer team determined to keep the festive magic running a lot longer in Tampa Bay.

The season may well end next week in New Orleans, there may not be playoff football for this 2010 edition of the Bucs, but this has been a special year and you know it is only going to get better for Raheem’s team going forward.

In spite of all the injuries, (have you noticed how the Bucs always have to have two at once?), that was an old-fashioned beat-down they handed the Seahawks. And the count of comments of “do they deserve to be in the playoffs” went into double figures by midway through the 4th quarter.

Josh Freeman tied a franchise record with five touchdown passes, equalling the marks of Steve DeBerg in 1987 and Brad Johnson in 2002. And once again his poise and composure was there for all to see - I swear Brian Billick loves him more than his own kids the way he waxes lyrically about him every time he does a Bucs game.

Want to know how badly Seattle got beaten? The Bucs even got Maurice Stovall in the game on offense and he even caught a touchdown pass. Shame we didn’t get to see his celebration dance - he’s had five years to practice it.

Want to know more about Josh Freeman’s demenour? He throws his fifth touchdown pass of the game, puts his helmet to one side as back-up Josh Johnson warms up, and walks over to catch balls for Johnson on the sideline. That is what a team-mate is all about.

Want to know more about these Bucs’ resiliency? Arrellious Benn and Earnest Graham go out injured and more youngsters step up, Dezmon Briscoe at receiver, Erik Lorig at full back. The depth on this team is simply staggering now.

43 different players have now started game for the Buccaneers, the second highest in franchise history for a season. Naturally the expansion Bucs hold the record at 48 and one of them, WR Barry Smith, was on hand yesterday to see more of his successors enjoy another success.

Thoughts from around the NFL
Outside of the Jacksonville Jaguars being the biggest choke artists in league history, it would be sad to see Coach Jack Del Rio lose his job. He is by far the coolest dresser in the league with his leather jacket. I mean, do you want to see any more sweatshirt slobs like Bill Belichick?

Wally Whitehurst’s father David spent several years playing quarterback for the Buccaneers in the late 1970s and early 1980s and played several games against the Buccaneers. He was crap too.

Does every commentary these days have to include a fantasy football reference? Peyton Manning pulls off a naked bootleg on 4th down to secure the Colts’ win over the Raiders and goes to the ground at the 2-yard line to ensure he can run out the clock. And all people can talk about is the points he cost his owners.

Selfless promotional note - dropping to a knee like that to preserve a game, a la Brian Westbrook - I called Charlie Garner out for it during a Sky playoff broadcast in 2002 when he should have gone it for the Raiders against the Jets inside the final two minutes instead of scoring a touchdown. And a bunch of people e-mailed the studio claiming you should never try not to score. Now who was right?

So all Buc fans have to become Falcon fans on Monday Night football now against New Orleans. One of my work colleagues in Atlanta is never going to ever let me forget it if I start supporting the Falcons even just for three hours.

You’ve been great, enjoy Kissing the Pink.

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Headmaster Goodell speaks at the end of term assembly

Posted Dec 23, 2010 by Paul Stewart

Updated Dec 23, 2010 at 10:01 AM

Sit up straight class! I am going to finish this register and the end of term report and then you can start the holidays.

Right where was I? Jones .... Blank .... Biascotti .... Wilf ... Glazer .. nice work this term by the way Glazer ...... Benson and Snyder ..... always last aren’t you Snyder?

OK we are almost at the end of another school year. I hope to see you back here next term but we are still trying to get the staff and cleaners to make sure they will turn up. I will write to your parents during the holidays to let them know if term will start on time or not.

A few items to bring to your attention. Jones and Blank. Please stay off the school field during lessons. That is for the sports teams and not you. And Blank, please can you start wearing the proper school uniform and not the one that was in fashion in 1966. That tie is not regulation width.

Wilf, late for school again last week. “The roof fell in on my house” is a pathetic excuse. Either fix it or move somewhere warmer.

Some of you have been treating your classroom assistants very badly again this term. Jones, you need a proper assistant. Stop thinking you can get through school on your own boy.

And for those of you who are changing your assistant, please remember the school rules on recruitment. Asking someone you met at the park does not meet our standards. Brown, you need to spend the proper amount on equipment next term. Carrying on with second-rate materials produces second-rate performance.

I have had a number of letters about school productions. Please remind your friends and family of the school rules that every seat must be taken before we will allow any cameras into the hall for people unable to attend.

On the subject of bad behaviour, Adams, you need to work with your assistant properly and stop hanging round with that Young boy from the other class. You were told he was a bad influence on you a few terms back.

Lurie, I understand one of your friends wants to come back to the animal petting class after school. Tell him I’m watching him very closely and will hold you responsible if he misbehaves again.

Davis - are you asleep at the back? Pay attention! I know both previous headmasters have had problems with you. It’s a long time since you were anywhere near top of the class so I don’t know why you are sitting there smirking.

The end of term school disco will be held at Jones’ house. Please make sure you are there on time and no misbehaving. I know he sometimes serves different drinks to the regular canteen menu but it is his house so no making a scene.

Any questions? Yes Ford. “What is the end of term school disco?” You’ve never been to one have you? That will teach you to employ someone like Millen in the past. Benson, please make sure Ford gets to the disco this year so he can try and make the effort to attend on his own next time.

Right class dismissed.

You’ve been great, enjoy the Waitresses.

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How do put a real downer on Christmas

Posted Dec 20, 2010 by Paul Stewart

Updated Dec 20, 2010 at 04:18 AM

When the ancient Romans lost a battle, they would execute one in every 10 of their survivors to teach the remainder to fight harder next time. Hence the term “decimate”.

The Tampa Bay Buccaneers went way past one in ten in terms of defensive losses. Actually try about six in 11. Gerald McCoy, Brian Price, Quincy Black, Cody Grimm, Aqib Talib and Tanard Jackson.

Or to put it another way, imagine if the Super Bowl Buccaneer defense had lost Sapp, Brooks, Kelly, Lynch and Dexter Jackson. Think Jon Gruden is still holding the Vince Lombardi?

There was just no-one left to stop the Lions at the end of regulation and in overtime Sunday. The offense had done its bit with over 400 yards but had come up short when really necessary. And it was down to the defense to try and save it. But they couldn’t as their gun had simply run out of bullets.

So next Sunday the Seattle Seahawks will come to town and Raheem will be emulating 10cc by loading up his gun with rubber bullets. Josh Freeman and his cast of rookies will need to go past the 500 yard mark to have a realistic chance of winning and keeping the playoff dream alive.

And it had all gone so well for the Bucs yesterday in games around the NFL. The Saints lost, the Giants lost, the Packers lost. A win at RayJay over Detroit and the Bucs are sitting in the playoff seat today.

But being realistic, do you honestly think they would have a chance on the road in either Philadelphia or Chicago, their likely destination as a No.6 seed? Can you imagine what King Fido and his Eagle offense would do to the Bucs if they can put 38 up on the Giants?

Naturally the haters on one alleged Buc fan board have been out in force. And I use the term “fan board” loosely as I swear most of the people there would prefer the Bucs to go 0-16 so they can carry on their vitriolic postings and abuse at anything pewter coloured.

Greg Olson is their favourite target and of course the offensive series that started at the Lion 1-yard line. And having spent three weeks abusing LeGarrette Blount for his short yardage failings, the haters were actually abusing the Bucs’ offensive co-ordinator for NOT using him Sunday. Simply unreal.

Watch the game film from those two plays at the 1 and you will see the reason for failure. Rookie RG Derek Hardman. On first down, Josh Freeman had trips left and Kellen Winslow wide right and went for the quarterback draw. It worked on the two-point conversion in Washington last week so was well worth a shot this time round. No gain.

On second down, Earnest Graham had the hole over left tackle but Hardman was blown up and the Detroit penetration put an end to the play. Then came the penalties and hence only a fieldgoal when a touchdown was needed.

You could start on the interference calls, you can moan about the schemes, you can curse Calvin Johnson all you want. This one was down solely to the decimation that has hit the Buccaneer defense over the course of the season. After a season full of close calls and narrow escapes, this time Buc fans went to the well and came up empty.

You’ve been great, enjoy Jona Lewie.

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