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How to cope with mommy guilt

Posted Aug 17, 2010 by Beth Gaddis

Updated Aug 18, 2010 at 09:30 AM

My friend Grace was a mess Monday.  It was her daughter’s first day of kindergarten, but she works an early shift and couldn’t take the day off.  The mommy guilt was eating away at her.

So I posed this question on Facebook and Twitter:  How do you deal with mommy guilt?  I got a ton of great advice.

Krista, a mother of four, will also miss her kids’ first day of school.  She is laying out all of their clothes the night before and has given her husband marching orders:  Send photos, photos and more photos.  She also plans to call them first thing in the morning.  She didn’t mention this, but some people might be able to use Skype to connect one last time before their kids leave the house.

A couple of people said they set aside vacation days to use for the first day of school, field trips and other special school activities.  Angela, who has a 10-year-old and a 13-year-old, says, “Occasionally, my kids make me feel guilty about not being able to have lunch with them at school. … For one week, I made a point of going to lunch, arriving in the classroom to help staple papers or help the teachers.  At first, my daughter seemed pleased I had taken the time out of work do to these things.  By Thursday, she was complaining that I was at school too much and didn’t need to ‘spy’ on her.

“Now, I’ve learned throughout the year to take those important days off and throw in a few little surprise lunches here or there to keep the kids smiling and me from feeling too guilty for working and missing things.”

Don’t forget dads, a couple of people said.

Clarisa wrote, “My oldest gets the biggest kick out of her dad chaperoning field trips, and I don’t have the guilt that I’m not there. You can also coordinate with Grandma and Grandpa to attend some special school-day events. That way a family member is always in attendance when there’s an event at school and it lessens the mom guilt!”

Also, watch for cues from your kids. Alicia wrote, “Usually the events are so packed with things to do that I don’t really believe the kids get a chance to think about whether or not Mom and Dad are there. I almost always get a hug, and then she runs off to play with her friends like I was never there.”

Another working mom, Lisa, had this tip. “I make up for it by not worrying so much about the housework and spend time with my kids from the time I pick them up until they go to bed. I do all my chores after they go to bed and get as much done as I can so that weekends are free for them, too. They seem to appreciate it.”

Writing a little note to your kids can also alleviate your guilt and make your kids feel super special, two parents wrote.  Tish suggested tucking it into the lunchbox or school bag.  Forgot about that in the rush to get ready?  No problem.  Al suggested writing it while you’re at work. “If you start feeling guilty again before the day is over, read the love note and think about sharing it with her,” Al wrote.

Most of all, remember that you work so you can provide for your children.  Another Lisa put it into perspective: “The reality is that you will always feel guilty about missing things in your child’s life, but there is some comfort in knowing that your child will only remember the big things in life later on and won’t be forever scarred by the fact that you missed his class Halloween party. He will remember that you were able to send him to Harvard, though.”

Do you have other ideas?  Post them on Facebook, or e-mail them to me at bgaddis@tampatrib.com.