A degree in financial desperation

Posted Dec 16, 2008 by Mike Winter

Updated Dec 16, 2008 at 05:11 PM

$35,456,764.34.

That’s what it’s going to cost to send my daughter to a public college in 2021 according to a recent study by the National Center for Public Policy and Education. The study also found that tuition and fees increased 439 percent from 1982 to 2007, while median family income rose only 147 percent.

I was, of course, flabbergasted. My personal family income rose 147 percent since 1982?! REALLY? I must be rich! I must be financially independent! I must be a secret millionaire slumming through life with a hitherto unknown stash of wealth that I need only tap to usher my family into the GOOD LIFE! My long-repressed bling drive began kicking in. Diamond-encrusted IPhones! Solid gold pizza slicers! Fur on the toilet covers!  Then I remembered that in 1982 I was making approximately 12 dollars a month during the winter shoveling snow out of my neighbor’s driveway and based on that starting figure I should actually be making $120 dollars a year, so I guess I’m ahead of the curve, but not enough for a diamond-encrusted IPhone, or even a Zarconia-encrusted Nano. And definitely not enough to send my daughter to college in 13 years. 

Which is why she had better study hard and get a scholarship because there’s no way I’m going to have $35,456,764.34 to fork over when the time comes.
Sure, setting up a college fund can help. It might even, under ideal conditions, prevent the university from sending large men in sunglasses to your house to flip you over and shake you until your wallet falls to the floor. But unless you’re willing to pump 2/3rds of your annual income into your kid’s fund for 18 years, there’s still going to be a significant shortfall when college time rolls around. What to do? My suggestion: nothing.

Let’s face it, after a certain point it’s up to the college-bound to take responsibility for their own future. Covering all expenses may seem like the surest way to guarantee a college education, but is it the best? Without the motivation to excel enough academically to earn a scholarship and/or be responsible enough to take on a student loan, what’s to keep our prides-and-joys from becoming spoiled, complacent slackers coasting through the rarified realms of higher education on bong fumes and Jell-O shooter binges?

Which reminds me of a funny story about a goat. I was recently visiting…

We interrupt our normally scheduled program for a fuddy-duddy rant.

MY parents never contributed a cent to my college fund, dag-nabbit! I had to slave through high school to keep my grades up and earn a scholarship. I spent 21 hours a day ogling calculus equations and memorizing the chemical composition of various potassium compounds, which resulted in eye strain, sleep deprivation and lingering feelings of inadequacy because Shannon Mills refused to go out with me, claiming I was pale and squinty-eyed and “reeked of protractors.” But did I complain? Did I mope? Did I draw horns and warts and missing teeth on her yearbook photo? Of course. But it only made me more determined to go to college and become a famous novelist and get rich and drive my supermodel-filled Porche in front of the trailer she was destined to share with her high-school-quarterback-turned-overweight-grease-monkey husband. So I guess you could say my parents’ lack of financial support made me the man I am today.       
We now return to our regularly scheduled program already in progress.

… and that’s why I’m no longer welcome at the petting zoo.

Anyway, the point I’m trying to make is that soaring college costs needn’t be just a source of worry and concern. They can also be used as leverage to keep your high-school-aged child on the straight and narrow. Because if they think you’re going to fork over $35,456,764.34 just so they can take a bunch of art history classes and sit around all day discussing Rilke with some burned-out ex-hippy professor, they’ve got another thing coming.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a yearbook photo I need to dig up and draw an eye-patch on.