Jeff Houck

The Tampa Tribune’s food writer since 2005, Jeff Houck covers the way people live through their food. He also hosts the Table Conversations food podcast and believes that everything crunchy is good.

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What I Believe About Food Redux [And What Others Believe As Well]

Posted May 19, 2009 by Jeff Houck

Updated May 19, 2009 at 06:05 AM

On Sunday in my column in the Tampa Tribune, I attempted to re-introduce myself to readers by sharing with them some of my core beliefs in relation to food. They included:

I believe in unlimited trips to the salad bar.

I believe that people at the salad bar who drop into food bins stray objects that do not correspond to the items which they are selecting should have tong privileges taken away from them forever. If you can’t handle tongs, perhaps salad is too much of a challenge. And by all means, lay off the chopsticks.

I believe the human kidneys were not made to withstand the soft drink tsunami brought forth by the consumption of a Big Gulp.

I believe that every episode of “Iron Chef” should finish with a food fight, preferably using squid and meat cleavers.

I believe it should be a federal crime to serve iced tea in a tall glass with a short spoon.

I believe that grocery store managers should be forced to eat every hard-as-a-rock tomato they sell that fails to ripen within two weeks of purchase.

I believe I shall never overcome my prejudice against buying uncooked shrimp from roadside vendors during the months of June, July and August.

I believe that I’d rather use a George Foreman Grill than a Mike Tyson Grill.

The column, of course, was an homage to one of my favorite bits by Steve Martin, “What I Believe” off his last album, “The Steve Martin Brothers.” Yes, I still have it on vinyl.

His routine was a classic bit of absurdist parody:

You probably heard I was into the comedy thing. Kind of getting out of that now.. into a little more serious deal. And so that’s why right now I’d like to talk about “What.. I.. Believe..”

[ heavy music starts to play ]

“What I Believe.”

I believe in rainbows and puppy dogs and fairy tales.

And I believe in the family - Mom and Dad and Grandma.. and Uncle Tom, who waves his penis.

And I believe 8 of the 10 Commandments.

And I believe in going to church every Sunday, unless there’s a game on.

And I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, wholesome and natural things.. that money can buy.

And I believe it’s derogatory to refer to a woman’s breasts as “boobs,” “jugs,” “winnebagos” or “golden bozos”.. and that you should only refer to them as “hooters”.

And I believe you should put a woman on a pedestal.. high enough so you can look up her dress.

And I believe in equality, equality for everyone.. no matter how stupid they are, or how much better I am than they are.

And, people say I’m crazy for believing this, but I believe that robots are stealing my luggage.

And I believe I made a mistake when I bought a 30-story 1-bedroom apartment.

And I believe the Battle of the Network Stars should be fought with guns.

And I believe that Ronald Reagan can make this country what it once was - an arctic region covered with ice.

And, lastly, I believe that of all the evils on this earth, there is nothing worse than the music you’re listening to right now.

That’s what I believe.

My column prompted more than a little thoughtful comment from readers, especially after it was posted earlier in the week on TBO.com.

My favorites:

Do you own a Y chromsome?
Posted by ( 2outof3voices ) on 05/13/2009 at 10:52 am.

And I believe you should never use the sneeze guard to have s e x on with a cute waitress after hours.
Posted by ( Quasar ) on 05/13/2009 at 01:29 pm.

what the h!@## kind of crappy column is this? no wonder the ST. Pete times out sells this crappy “newspaper”?
Posted by ( OriginalJud ) on 05/13/2009 at 12:16 pm.

Separate and apart from that herd, PR maven, spin class instructor and Official Friend of The Stew Mary Lou Janson e-mailed:

Here are a couple of my core beliefs:

I believe that one person among a large party of diners should not be automatically allowed to hold everyone else’s meal hostage while they alone consume a salad, soup or other such starter.

I believe all chefs should step out from the confines of the kitchen, go boldly into the dining room and interact with diners to get real, honest feedback about the menu, prices and overall quality of dining experience.

Excellent points, Mary Lou. I believe I should buy you lunch soon.

Reader Mojo J Beauxdein, who says he supplements his “income as a Lovebug Haiku Poet by collecting aluminum cans,” writes:

I believe that fast-food restaurants should make certain that their cashiers are trained in making change, in case the computers go down.

I believe that waitpersons should have ice-water at my table or at least acknowledged me within 10 minutes, so that they don’t end up scratching their heads wondering (….I thought there was someone sitting here???)

I believe that restaurant patrons who use coupons and base their tip percentage on the discounted cost should be drawn and quartered. . . . in the parking lot.

I believe that tableside entertainers who make balloon animals are contributing to the depletion of the ozone layer.

I believe that people who drive four miles out of their way to go to a Starbucks to purchase a cup of coffee the price of which I can buy 10oz of Bustelo Espresso and make enough of my own fancy-schmantzy coffee to last a month should NEVER, EVER complain about the price of gasoline.

I believe all fast-food drive-thru lanes should have an additional menu, at least 2 car-lengths ahead of the one next to the semi-functioning speaker.

A bit of background: Mojo won a haiku contest I did in 2005 that was pegged to the return of “love bugs” that fly through the air joined at the groin every year in late May. His winning entry:

  Smiling ear to ear,
  Finally got Big Momma;
  Ford Interruptus!

For the record, I’m with you on the Bustelo, Mojo. Keep at it with the love bug haiku. They’re in season right now, you know. When ground with a mortar and pestle, they make an excellent condiment.

Lastly was this homage to my homage by Kate Hopkins, who does the great and deliciously enticing Accidental Hedonist food blog in Seattle.

Her blog post included these salient points:

I believe that there’s no such thing as a great buffet.

I believe that Oreos are as good as Big Food gets.

I believe that one should eat Oreos, nay, any sandwich cookie by twisting it apart at licking the insides first.

I believe that Rachel Ray isn’t as bad as most people believe she is, Bobby Flay isn’t as good as he thinks he is, and Sandra Lee is worse than what most people believe.

I believe beer makers are, quite possibly, the friendliest food people on the planet.

I believe sweet tea is good tea wasted, a sin for which the South should make amends.

I believe that barbecue, of all sorts, makes up for the sins of sweet tea.

I believe there are James Beard award-winning chefs who have no idea on how to make a decent corned beef and hash.

I believe that the Food Network is best at drumming up ratings, but really sucks at actual food.

I believe that food trends come and go, but diners are here forever.

So let’s hear it, people. What is it that you believe about food?