I’m as big a fan of vodka as anyone. I’ll drink a screwdriver at brunch once a year or so. Maybe mix a splash of Goose in my Fresca on a special occasion.

What I don’t want at those particular moments: caffeine.

Which is why this press release was particularly disturbing:

p.i.n.k. vodka, the worlds first ultra-premium imported vodka from Holland flawlessly infused with caffeine and guarana. Thus creating a niche where one no longer needs to mix their vodka with an energy drink. No more unpleasant after-taste, no additional calories or carbs...it can be enjoyed on the rocks, mixed with soda, or shaken in martinis.

With the huge success of the p.i.n.k. vodka launch in 2007, The p.i.n.k. Spirits Company will introduce p.i.n.k. Tequila, p.i.n.k. Rum, p.i.n.k. Sake, p.i.n.k. White Whiskey, and p.i.n.k. Gin - - all with the flavorless infusion of caffeine and guarana - - by mid 2008.

To top it all off, p.i.n.k. Vodka has been rated as a “Superb” Spirit by Wine Enthusiast Magazine and named p.i.n.k. one of The Top 50 Spirits of 2007. p.i.n.k. Vodka was also recently presented with an astounding ELEVEN Beverage Dynamics Advertising & Promotions Awards, including 5 first place honors, and p.i.n.k. received the coveted, American Graphic Design Award for its cutting edge bottle design that radiates a pink “glow” when placed on the shelves of bars.

Celebs that have fallen for p.i.n.k. :

Pamela Anderson, Prince, Pussycat Dolls lead singer--Nicole Scherzinger, Beyonce, Demi Moore, Ashton Kutcher….

First thing, I don’t want anything Pamela Anderson is drinking. Why? With every sip I’d be thinking about Hep C and bad decision-making skills. I also don’t want to drink the same beverage favored by a Pussycat Doll - unless it temporarily blocked my eardrums from hearing their music.

Second, the lowercase p.i.n.k. bothers me. Only k.d. lang can pull off a lowercase.

Third, and let me be plain about this: I DON’T WANT COFFEE IN MY BOOZE. Capish? I don’t care if someone came up with the cute little “cofka” nickname. I don’t want it.

Sure, a little coffee flavor goes well with some things. Pound cake, for example. Stuffed peppers with coffee-infused rice and meat even sounds interesting. But cigars? Soaps? Not so much.

Next thing you know, they’ll be putting it in bottled barbecue sauce.

Oh good lord.