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Dear Neighbors,
Please. Kill your lubbers.
I know they’re yours because I already killed mine. Months ago. When they were teeny-tiny. I knew what they’d grow up to be so I got ‘er done.
You didn’t, and now your Eastern lubber grasshoppers are the size of small dogs. Small herbivorous dogs completely encased in body armor. And they’ve discovered my yard. Which has led me to do things I never thought I would.
It’s hard to kill small dogs encased in body armor. It’s harder still if you’re the kind of person who rights upside-down beetles and rescues lizards from cats. I wouldn’t even swat a fly (unlike a certain president).
But it’s us against the lubbers. No animal in its right mind eats them.
The other day, while snipping scaly branches off a jatropha, I came face to face with yet another lubber. (Your lubber, dear neighbor.) I reached out and snipped him in two with my garden shears. Just like that. Heartless.
It was a first for me. It is not who I am.
But snipping is, at least, humane.
The next day, I came upon a lubber on a mammoth sunflower. Having no shears handy, I picked up two rocks and clapped them together. The cold spray of lubber guts on my neck was — ohmygosh. But even worse was looking down and seeing the poor crushed creature still trying to get up. The heavily armored do not go gentle …
This isn’t the soothing tranquility I seek in my garden. And I don’t like what I’m becoming.
So please, beloved neighbors, kill your lubbers.
I’m not asking you to put a Cuban tree frog in a baggie in the freezer, or even to stop feeding the Muscovy ducks so they’ll move away. Just the lubbers.
Cause they’re eating your garden, too.
Posted by Stephanie, on 06/30 at 10:10 PM
Yes, Raid Wasp and Hornet spray works but you should leave the scene for a while after spraying, since it’s a slow, wobbly death—not something you’d want to watch. Make sure you dispose of the carcass ASAP so other critters don’t eat it.
Posted by Penny L. Carnathan, on 06/30 at 07:59 PM
Raid Wasp and Hornet Spray work?? Really?? I had read that NOTHING but snip or smash kills ‘em. I am so happy to have an alternative! THANK YOU!
Back in March, I came home several evenings to find squadrons of nymphs squatting on different plants. I did the scoop and “Die! Die!” stomp (felt terrible, they looked up at me with those big innocent bubble eyes) but I was sure it would prevent the current crisis (which is why I’m a little pissed with my oblivious neighbors).
I like your armadillo analogy—if I have to write about this again next year, I will borrow it!
Posted by Stephanie, on 06/30 at 05:31 PM
This article was too funny! Last year the grasshoppers decimated my plants. When I encountered them again this year (there were about 50 of the little black critters huddled together on the leaf of a philodendron in my back yard) I went on a month-long crusade. I’m also a certified animal/critter lover but I soon found myself swatting large quantities of these pests into a box, then dumping them out in the middle of the street and screaming “Die! Die!” as I stomped them to a pulp. I estimate that I annihilated roughly 250-300 of them before they morphed into little yellow armadillos. Now I keep a can of Raid Wasp and Hornet spray handy. It’s not as fast as garden shears but it gets the job done.
Posted by Penny L. Carnathan, on 06/29 at 12:37 PM
Please make a general announcement to your garden that there are bouncers with BIG snippers and shovels manning the gates at Club Carnathan! (Just in case)
Posted by Janna, on 06/29 at 12:23 PM
Penny, you always make me laugh! It does look like big shark-sized chomps! I’ll take a closer look tonight for lubbers. If I see any, I’ll be sure to eliminate them (NOT by way of the rock clapping method) so they won’t be going to Club Carnathan to party…
Posted by Penny L. Carnathan, on 06/29 at 11:29 AM
If it looks like great, big shark-sized chomps, it could be lubbers. They don’t just nibble. They’re probably getting high on your datura then coming over to my house to party!
Posted by Janna, on 06/29 at 06:24 AM
Ewww! Luckily, I haven’t seen any lubbers in my garden, but SOMETHING is eating entire leaves off of my datura. Since my dogs and neighbors are acting fairly normal, it must be a garden pest. Although I can’t see any critters on the leaves, I think I’ll try that eco-friendly pesticide you gave me the recipe for awhile back…
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Posted by Penny L. Carnathan, on 07/01 at 09:20 AM
Ah, Stephanie, you know me well! I will definitely have to evacuate the area if it’s a slow, wobbly death. Many thanks for the heads-up, and the super tip.