One of our favorite things about August is hearing the resounding thud that of all those fat fall fashion magazines on our front porch.  (Our mail carrier, Slim Jim, is built like a triathelete; we’re pretty sure that our mag subscription addiction has a lot to do with that).

Especially since the chunky mega-issues not only bring us the fall fashions, but they also invariably bring us the latest news about amazing scientific breakthroughs in skin care.

It’s uncanny, really, the consistency with which the major cosmetic companies are able to stumble upon that ONE rare extract or molecule that’s going to blow the lid of this whole aging thing.  Or at least prolong life—we’re actually not sure anymore. 

Take this latest two-page spread from Lancome for “Secret De Vie”  (yes, they actually have les couilles  to call a skin cream Secret Of Life, which they obviously think sounds less ridiculous in French.)




The copy reads:

“Experience Lancome’s ultimate luxury, skincare infused with the secret of life.  Divine textures to indulge your senses and pamper your skin.  Discover instant softness, dramatically smoother appearance, and deeply moisturized skin from the very first touch.

At the heart of Secret de Vie is the Extrait De Vie, a unique concentrate with Sucre Vital, a precious sugar taken from the ocean’s depths and known for its regenerating powers.  It delivers intense surface cellular restoration and “skin rebirth” for an exceptional, visible result.  Your skin will feel revitalized.  Visibly smoother, firmer and more even-toned.

The discovery accelerates with the new Secret de Vie Ultimate Cellular Reviving Life Source Serum.  Now with Extrait Extreme, two phenomenal marine extracts from extreme environments - the boiling California undersea and the glacial Arctic Ocean.  This rare ingredient extracted from the California undersea prolongs the life of skin cells.  As if infused with a new breath of life, skin recovers ideal hydration and firmness, looking smooth and vibrant.”



Coincidentally,  Estee Lauder has also just discovered the secret of life,  which can be purchased with their Re-Nutriv Ultimate Youth Creme.  

The headline of this two-page ad reads—we love this!—“Imagine if aging could be postponed indefinitely”.  

    Finally, some honesty in advertising! 

We won’t bore you with the whole copy; we’ll just say that it’s liberally sprinkled with phrases like “longevity gene”, “youth molecule” “youth, prolonged”, and “rare and precious ingredients”.
There are also plenty of scientific-sounding references to SIRT1, Resveratrol, (not to be confused with Estee Lauder’s exclusive ingredient, Resveratrate), 26 patents pending, and “in vitro” test results.  (The fact that nobody’s been able to produce any ex vitro results isn’t addressed).
There’s also the rather confusing premise that “doubling the survival rate of skin cells”, which is apparently what this “Youth Molecule” does, is a good thing.  Aren’t we supposed to want our skin to turn over new  cells more often?  When did the survival of the old ones suddenly become an issue?  And who wants a bunch of old cells hanging around anyway?

But the real punchline of this joke is in the price tag , which, for both products, is around$250 for a 1.7 ounce jar. (One is $250 and one is $240). 
The fact that the ad copies and price points for these “cremes”/serums are so eerily similar can only mean that there’s a very solid customer base to support them.  (You just know that, if their scientific research was as solid as their marketing research, we’d have a cure for cancer by now.)   We love a good moisturizer as much as anyone else, but we’ve said it before, and we’ll say it again:  the only proven way to dramatically reduce the appearance of age is with a scalpel, needle, or a laser.   And the only skin cream that can truly prevent wrinkles is a good sunscreen. 

We’re not saying that there aren’t topical creams or lotions out there that can actually improve your skin’s appearance, because there are.  Clinically tested ingredients like tretinoin, glycolic acid, hydroquinone and fluocinolone certainly do work.  So might antioxidants, copper peptides, and a lot of other newly-researched ingredients.  And of course moisturizers reduce the appearance of fine lines by temporarily filling them in.   But none of these things can turn back the clock, certainly none of them has to cost anywhere near $250. 

Our lady magazines aren’t going to tell us that, of course, so we still swear by Paula Begoun’s  research, which is now available on a searchable website, Beautypedia.

    One of the things she loves to point out is how, with each breathless announcement of a cosmetic line’s newest miracle wrinkle cure, the company will continue to hype—and sell—a bunch of other miracle wrinkle cures in their line.  Shouldn’t a huge scientific breakthrough make all of the previous ones obsolete? 

About Secret de Vie, she says: 
“The major secret here is how utterly
ordinary this ultra-pricey moisturizer is.  I suppose Lancome didn’t want to
be left out of the burgeoning group of moisturizers with high-tech claims
and staggering price tags…
Lancome is trying very hard in this seductive wordplay to attempt to convince
consumers that spending this much on a special formula (one that is
shockingly similar to almost every other Lancome cream being sold) is
somehow worth the extra expense…there is nothing
in this product that is in any way unique or even moderately
interesting…Paying significantly more for this versus almost any of Lancome’s other moisturizers, none
of which are as impressive as what most other Lauder-owned companies
are offering, is not good skin care.”

Of course, learning the truth isn’t as much fun as reading about magic molecules and miracle extracts, but when it comes to the stuff we put on our face, we’ve always preferred the non-fiction section anyway.

Now, if you’ll excuse us,  we’ve got to go look through some more magazine ads—we heard there’s a new Louis Vuitton bag coming out that’s going to change our lives…