Who knew adventure racing could be so memorable?

Trib photographer Crystal “The Compass” Lauderdale and I found out for ourselves at the Croom Crumbler.

The adventure began about 7:30 a.m. as we headed for Nobleton, past the Sumter Correctional Institution and the Florida National Cemetery.

At least we knew where our bodies would end up if we didn’t make it out of the Withlacoochee Forest alive.

We made it to the Nobleton Canoe Outpost in plenty of time—for me to find someone to make sure my bike didn’t fall apart. I borrowed it from a friend. This involved spending 10 minutes trying to remove the front tire to fit it in my car. At home, I put the tire back on, completely confident that it would roll off at some point during my ride.

Crumbler participant Carl was great enough to adjust the brakes and align the tire. He swore he wouldn’t sabotage my race. I figured I had that under control myself.

Compass and I (Team 2-4-1, or 02/04/2001, according to the Excel spreadsheet) were ready to begin the real adventure.

First up: paddling 2.5 miles.

There were some 45 teams in the water, itching to get started. At 10:50 a.m., it was “GO!”

Team 2-4-1 shot out of the start like a rocket, gliding along as we jostled with the other racers jockeying for position. Things were looking fantastic until about 10 seconds in, when a kamikaze canoe sideswept us, whipping us to the left and leaving us in a complete 180.

I turned my head to catch a glimpse of the fleet leaving us in their wake.

Crystal and I turned the canoe around and paddled furiously, first to the left, then to the right, zigzagging all the way. We must’ve burned 2,000 calories.

Before we made it to the halfway checkpoint, the leading team—a man and his early teen daughter—were flying back to the start.

We hit the turnaround and began the trek upstream, when we finally got the hang of paddling in a straight line. Sort of.

We made it back to the dock, where we had to get our canoe out of the water and back to the transition area. My arms felt like Jell-O, and I thought I was going to fall over.

We made it back but not without Crystal injuring her knee.

Patty: “What’s wrong with your knee?”

Crystal: “I think I did something to it.”

Patty: “Are you OK?”

Crystal: “I think it has a kink it in. Do you ever feel a little kinky?”

After seeking the advice of a race director, Crystal decided to go on. She wasn’t about to ditch out on the eight-mile off-road bike and 2 1/2-mile trail run.

We were given a piece of paper with a test that we had to answer before the end of the race.

We hit the bikes and made it out to the trail—with a slight two-mile detour. Oops.

Biking along the smooth pavement of Bayshore completely prepared me for the roots, vegetation, sand and fallen trees in our path. The ridges and dips, twists and turns were nothing. I didn’t almost eat it while trying to take a sharp turn too quickly.

While trying to become biking photojournalist with my waterproof camera, I nearly escaped a Sonny Bono episode. I put the camera away after that.

We biked far enough into the woods that we hit the second transition area. We dumped our bikes and hit the run. I figured this was the easy part. I’m a runner.

Thank goodness the trail was mostly VERTICAL. I’d liken the run more to a climb. The need for helmets during our run should’ve been the first clue.

We survived a secret challenge in the woods, scored a secret symbol as our reward and ran back to the transition area to finish the bike.

As we rode out of the woods and back to pavement, Crystal and I had the smug looks of Crumblers who were home free. Except we forgot that we had to answer our test:

You leave Nobleton at 8 a.m. paddling at 3 mph. An alligator leaves Nobleton at 9 a.m. paddling 7 mph. At what time does the gator catch up to you?

People, before you run off into the woods, always remember that R(ate) x T(ime) = D(istance). Very important. Who knew that eighth-grade algebra would come in handy in the real world??

The Compass and I tried frantically to guess, answering incorrectly twice. That cost us two laps from the check-in point to the outpost entrance.

Finally a fellow competitor took pity on us and helped us work through the algebra. We scored the right answer—9:45 a.m.—and avoided a third lap and 50 push-ups. Not that my pythons couldn’t have handled it.

If you’ve never considered adventure racing, you’re missing out. The place to go to be in the know is WeCeFAR.

And don’t forget to brush up on your math.