The NFL season starts this weekend.

Yes, I know. The first game was last night.

Well, folks, starting a professional football season on a Thursday night is an abomination against nature. It’s like eating dessert before the entree. It was never meant to be.

So, while you’re getting ready for the REAL start of the season on Sunday, consider adding the following items to your tailgating repertoire:

Electric Cruzin’ Cooler (link)

Price: $399

What it does: Chills your beer, transports you to the game at 13 mph.

Product description: Cruzin Cooler turns a 50 quart ice chest into a motorized scooter, complete with steering, disc brakes, and foot pedals. The Cruzin Cooler is light enough to be driven to a location and then picked up and carried. Can carry 24 beverages plus riders up to 250 pounds. Treat yourself to the only motorized, ride-able cooler on the market at your next sporting event or neighborhood cookout.

We say: It’s almost worth the police conversation:

Cop: “Have you been drinking and driving?”

You: “No sir, I’ve been driving my drinks.”

 
Cabela’s RC Cooler (link)
Price: $69.88

What it does: Holds 12 drinks and ice; Works indoors and out; Completely collapsible for easy storage

Product description: “Remote control cooler leaves the dog to better use, like fetching your slippers instead of your beverage. Remain in the couch-potato position and drive a cold one to you using the remote control. Bottle cap-shaped handheld remote moves cooler forward, backward, left and right. Holds 12 drinks and ice. Works indoors and out. Completely collapsible for easy storage. Powered by one 9-volt and six C-cell batteries.

We say: Collapsible cooler + beer + football fans + 8 hours of drinking = Collapsible fans.

6-Pack Tailgating Beer Belt (link)

Price: $21.99

What it does: Keeps a half-dozen brewskis close to the place where they’ll eventually reside for good: in your beer belly

Product description: Beer Belt will hold six, 12-ounce cans or bottles of beer around your waist.Each belt is constructed with waterproof ballistic nylon. An oversized buckle and waist strap makes the belt extremely durable and it will withstand the hardest of partiers. A zipper pocket on the back is perfect for carrying items such as money, IDs and credit/debit cards. Also, a small Velcro pocket on the front will hold a cell phone, pack of cigarettes, playing cards or whatever you wanna stuff in there. Our Beer Belt is perfect to bring to parties, NASCAR events, College Tailgating, NFL Tailgating, fishing trips, Cornhole Games, or anywhere you plan on drinking.

We say: Try popping all six at once, then drinking them while doing a handstand. Really. Go ahead. We’ll get the video camera ready.

Tailgator Gas-Powered Blender (link)

Price: $329.99

What it does: Makes atomic margaritas in under 1.5 nanoseconds

Product description: “Whip up drinks wherever you are with this portable gas-powered blender. The powerful 24cc two-stroke 2-1/4 hp engine generates enough torque to perfectly blend a pitcher of drinks (without lumps) in just 15 seconds. A simple pull of the cord is all it takes to fire up the motor. The rpm’s are infinitely adjustable, allowing you to enjoy just the right blend. The 48-oz. lightweight plastic pitcher detaches for easy pouring and clean-up. All controls (primer, choke and kill switch) are front-mounted for easy access.”

We say: Hey, Sir Mix-a-Lot, don’t be the guy who forgets to gas up the blender. People have been stoned to death for lesser transgressions.

Outdoor Kitchen (link)

Price: $99.99

What it does: Portable outdoor kitchen with three surface areas, removable middle table, 16-gal. PVC sink with drain, side pantries with shelves, heavy-duty PE mesh center basket

Product description: Make your campsite feel like your kitchen at home. This kitchen collapses from 63” x 17” x 64” to 34” x 7.5” x 20” in seconds, making it extremely portable. Three surface areas provide ample room for food preparation. Removable middle table allows access to the 16-gal. PVC sink with drain. The side pantries with shelves provide storage for spices, foods and anything else. A heavy-duty PE mesh center basket has excellent storage for pots and pans that may need some additional drying. The 5mm-coated MDF top and 17.5mm steel frame create a durable kitchen that will last for many outdoor adventures. The pantries and carry bag are both made from durable 600-denier polyester. Imported.

We say: This will prove handy when you bet too big on the Bucs and you have to live… IN A VAN DOWN BY THE RIVER!

Game Day Grill Topper (link)

Price: $49.99

What it does: Sears your grilled meats with team logos

Product description: The Grill Topper turns ordinary grilled meats into works of art by searing your favorite team’s logo on to the surface of the meat! Simply set the Grill Topper on your existing grill rack, and place your chicken, pork, or beef directly on the team logo, searing the logo onto the meat as it cooks to perfection! Makes a great “impression” to your friends and makes any ordinary cookout into a “Game Day” Cookout!

We say: Great idea for gameday grilling. Just don’t fall on the grill. Nobody needs their team logo seared into their forehead. Forever.

Bubba Keg Grill (link)

Price: $599

What it does: Acts as a convection oven/grill/smoker

Product description: Everything you love about drinking from a mini-keg is brought to barbecuing with a convection grill that mimics the shape.

We say: Perfect for blue-collar grillers who are embarassed to be seen with a hoity-toidy Big Green Egg.

The Tailgating Wagon (link)

Price: $649

What it does: Lugs your stuff to the game more easily than just dragging a cooler and converts into portable bench seats with an umbrella for the kids’ sports games.

Product description: This sturdy carriage is an umbrella, storage, outdoor station - all in one. It features a wood wagon (can carry 800 pounds), that turn into two comfy seats! It also has a heavy duty umbrella, mp3/ipod speakers, hooks for garbage bags/totes, and a fold down tray for eating. Plus, it comes with a Volcano BBQ, two stadium seats, and a cooler - so you have everything you need to enjoy the pre-game festivities.

We say: How long until things get out of hand and the umbrella is replaced with a brass pole?

Hammaka Trailer Hitch Hammock Chair (link)

Price: $179.99

What it does: Portable hammock that suspends from a bar mounted on a trailer hitch

Product description: Climb in… hangout that’s the idea behind Hammaka Hammocks and Hammock Chairs. Each of our products are designed for uncommon comfort, ease and relaxation, with a serious focus on quality. Extra features such as an adjustable footrest, armrests, beverage holder, inflatable adjustable pillow, and a matching carrying case add up to make the Hammaka the ultimate hammock chair. The Hammock Chairs are optional, you must select which chair you would like to include in your order.  It’s unique carefully crafted style cradles the body perfectly providing unparalleled comfort and relaxation. The Hammaka hanging hammock chair is, quite simply, one of the most comfortable chairs on the planet. Do your backside a favor – get a Hammaka. It lets you rest yours while everyone else is busting theirs.  The Hammaka chair hangs from a single point on a porch, by a pool, from tress, office or dorm room. It is incredibly versatile and cam be placed anywhere you can imagine.

We say: It’s only a matter of time until someone asks their buddy to drive to the stadium while swinging on the hammocks in traffic.

Hello Kitty Apron (link)

Price: $8.99

What it does: Tells the world, “I’m confident enough in my manhood to wear an effeminate Japanese cat on my BBQ apron.”

Product description: This durable medium length apron is great for protecting your clothing from spills, splashes, splatters and more. Made of the finest 100% spun polyester cotton, it has adjustable straps and a front double pockets for key utensils. Apron length 22 inches. Quality stitched and designed. Kiss the cook and treat him or her to some of the finest in kitchen accoutrements.

We say: Meow, meow, meow. Go Bucs. Meow. Meow.