Jeff Houck

The Tampa Tribune’s food writer since 2005, Jeff Houck covers the way people live through their food. He also hosts the Table Conversations food podcast and believes that everything crunchy is good.

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Mr. Potato Head

Posted Apr 5, 2006 by Jeff Houck

Updated Apr 5, 2006 at 08:36 AM

I hate bad food metaphors.

On Tuesday night, during the pregame of the NCAA men’s basketball final on CBS, host Greg Gumbell asked analyst Clark Kellogg for his opinion on what viewers could expect from the game.

Kellogg then made his first mistake: opening his mouth.

“Let’s start with Corey Brewer,” he said, referring to the clutch player from the University of Florida.

Cool, I thought. He’s picking someone who doesn’t get a lot of face time. He’s not going for Joanick Noah, the monumentally talented center for the Gators. He’s not focusing on coach Billy Donovan. He’s going for impact, not flash.

Then Kellog launched this beauty:

“His game is as versatile as a potato,” Kellogg said. “He can come baked or hashed, fried or mashed.”

Huh?

What, exactly, do potatoes have to do with this, Clark? And what about Julienne? You forgot Julienne. Is Corey Brewer not a Julienne kind of player? Can you not boil him? What about baking? I bet he’d taste crispy if you wrapped him in foil and oiled and salted his skin, Clark. And don’t forget the mayo. I’d hazard a guess that Corey would make a dandy potato salad. New York-Style Red. Mmmm. My favorite.

Jesus Jones on a jump rope.

Not deterred by his own lack of verbal acuity, Kellogg continued, trying to back up his weak-sauce metaphor:

“This guy has the versatility to steal offensively and the size and length defensively to really be a problem for UCLA on the perimeter.”

Steal offensively? Length on the perimeter? Wha?

Sorry, but you lost me at the spud, dude.

I was so incredulous at what I’d heard, I went back to the DVR and kept replaying it for 20 minutes, like it was the Zapruder film or something. Son of Stew was laughing hysterically. At halftime, I had to go back to the clip. When my friend Larry called from Maryland late in the second half, I rewound the pregame and held up the phone to my stereo speakers so he could hear it. Then I replayed it again for him.

Even worse, after Brewer had a phenomenal game, Kellogg couldn’t resist revisiting the tuber theme.

“I told you,” he said with just minutes left in the game, “This guy is like a potato.”

No, Clark. You’re the potato. And whoever dug you up ought to put you back in the ground where they found you.