By now, the fact that this coming Sunday is Mother’s Day should have escaped no one, thanks to the gentle and considerate reminders from all those retailers and ad-larded media publications.  (If only their nagging extended to those other things we keep forgetting to attend to, like getting the car in for service or renewing our passport).

Not that we don’t always enjoy the department store ads with models who look like they haven’t even had their first pimple, (let alone given birth to anything)prancing around in matronly outfits and clutching babies in a suspiciously unconvincing manner.  ("Bot, Chason, vat do I du eef da beybe vets hisself?  Und vy iss he cryink?” )
But we especially love the jewelry store promotions.  Never ones to miss an opportunity to trade on the dysfunctional undertones of family holidays by trying to stir up as much
guilt, resentment, and sibling rivalry as possible, they ask:  “With all she’s done for you… doesn’t your Mother deserve diamonds from you this year?”

The problem with the relentless barrage of Mother’s Day Warnings is that they start coming at us in, like, February, so, naturally, we ignore them for so long we forget about it anyway.  Which means, of course, that it’s already and Tuesday most of us still have no clue what we’re going do for Mother’s Day, especially those with multiple Mother situations.

But not to worry--once you’ve established which of the four stages of Motherhood you’re dealing with, the rest is easy.  Here are our guidelines:

For the mother of any children under the age of four:
Gift Theme = “Time Alone”

We’ve asked everyone who has survived this stage of motherhood what their most memorable gift was, and the hands-down favorite was to have one or two nights alone at a hotel somewhere.  It doesn’t have to be fancy or expensive—heck, it can be the Red Roof Inn for all she cares—as long as it has a TV, a bathtub, and a phone that can be unplugged.  The pure luxury of being able to sleep as long as she wants, eat whenever she wants, take a shower whenever she wants, and even just brush her teeth in peace-- without having to account to a single soul-- is more precious than anything in the stores right now.
If she can’t tell you the last time she actually finished a book (or even finished a thought), then the Time Alone gift is the one for her.  And the best part is that all it takes from you is a web search and a credit card-- and you’re done. 
Oh, yeah, and you’ll have to line up somebody to watch the kids.

For the mother of preschool and school-aged children:
Gift Theme = “Childhood Artifacts”

Although some hammier types may overdo it a little, mothers aren’t pretending when they “ooh” and “aah” over those macaroni necklaces and plaster handprints.  They really do love that stuff, and since there are only a limited number of years before the children’s charmingly naïve artwork gives way to the weird doodlings of adolescence (usually unicorns for the girls and naked people for the boys) now is the time to crank out the good stuff while you can.

Since it’s probably too late to have the little darlings whip up something cute at a pottery-painting place like Color Me Mine (apparently it takes 5-7 days for the stuff to be ready, which makes it not a very procrastinator-friendly operation, if you want our opinion), there’s still time to implement Plan B: 

(1)Run out to Michael’s or Target and pick up a couple of tasteful, pre-matted frames (keeping in mind that the wider the matting, the more important the artwork will look).
(2) Forget about frames until late Saturday or early Sunday morning, at which time you will
(3) gather the children together--along with whatever art supplies you can round up—and force them, sweat-shop style, to quickly produce a series of paintings, drawings, and/or hand-lettered poems about their Mother that will fit into the pre-selected frames.  Remind them that they only have a few minutes to slap together something adorable before Mommy comes home/wakes up/sobers up (you get the idea--whatever fits the situation) so they’d better get cracking. 

You might also want to plan on taking her out to dinner, just to cover your bases.

For the mother of older children (as in, the children should be picking out the gift now, not Daddy or Grandma): 
Gift Theme = “Show Her You Know Her”

Developmental psychologists tell us that, by the time children reach middle school, they have developed the capacity to view their mother as a separate individual with her own set of preferences and tastes.  Which means that one’s children should now be able to fully comprehend the idea that their mother is an actual Regular Person who not only existed before they did, but was presumably quite happy doing so. 
One can only image how thrilling an acknowledgement of this fact can be for a woman who is often made to feel that her children think she was put on this earth for the sole purpose of driving them all over town, picking up their dirty clothes, fetching their meals, and otherwise and attending to their every selfish little whim.  (It’s possible that she’s even actually articulated these feelings once or twice.)
Now, don’t misunderstand us; we know that it isn’t always easy for adolescents to pull their self-absorbed little heads out of their, um, you know, always-so-serious-existential-sufferings long enough to notice what their mothers are up to (when their mothers aren’t busy snooping through their backpacks, hacking into their e-mail, and otherwise Ruining Their Lives, that is).  And their mothers know it, too.  (Full disclosure:  Back in The Day, your mother was probably an always-serious-sufferer, too.  In fact, some of us were HUGE ones. )
Which is why she’ll really appreciate an effort on your part to give her something that she knows you actually put some thought into. 

So you need to pick out something for her that, based on your months and years of observing her behavior --as a person and not a mother –you think she might enjoy. 
For example, take a look at the things she likes to collect.  Teapots? Martini shakers? Orchids? Cookbooks? Porcelain Dogs?

See, lots of people think that a gift should be something a person doesn’t already have, but they couldn’t be more wrong!  Especially when you’re talking about mothers, who, like their avian counterparts, are always looking for more twigs to add to their nests. 
If she likes to read, get her a bestselling novel, (we hear The Memory Keeper’s Daughter is good), but if the last time you saw her with a book her hand was when she read you Where The Wild Things Are, you might want to consider the new Dream Girls DVD instead .  If she likes sentimental jewelry, get her a charm bracelet (but you have to hand-pick the charms!) or one of these chic little Carolee message bracelets.  Or channel your old homemade gift days (see “Childhood Artifacts”, above) and make her a necklace at one of those bead places.

All we’re saying is that you should just put a little effort into it, and try to avoid the usual mall gimmicks.  (As in, don’t “build a bear” unless she actually collects stuffed animals or bears, and don’t buy her an inspirational plaque—no matter how nice the sentiment-- unless you see a bunch of other inspirational plaques around your house.) Not that she won’t love anything you give her, but why not give her something she’d love anyway?

In other words, don’t ask us what to get her—she’s YOUR Mother, for goodness sakes.

Maybe an illustration will help.
True story:  A daughter of a Certain Age --she was around 17 at the time, we think—noticed, through her keen powers of observation, that her mother was spending a lot of time outside, futzing with her plants.  So, the Saturday before Mother’s Day, the daughter dashed over to Home Depot—(a place she had refused to set foot in since the day she got too big for her mother to be able to stuff her into one of those hideous orange carts)--and picked out a small assortment of flowering plants:  Nothing complicated-- just a Bouganvilla vine, some Confederate jasmine, a gardenia or two, and a potted orchid. 
Mother couldn’t have been more thrilled, not just because she loves flowering plants, (well, gosh, who doesn’t?) but also because she knew that her daughter took time out of her precious 17-year-old- activity-filled weekend to make a special trip to a place she didn’t much care for --the hot concrete aisles of the Home Depot Garden Center--but knew her mother loved. 

Needless to say, it was a Kleenex moment. (By the way, what do you think of Kleenex trying to be all hip and newfangled all of a sudden?  We’re not sure yet, but we’re definitely going to look into it...)

But back to our story:  Fast forward 5 or 6 years.  The jasmine vines are still scenting the garden every night, the orchid still blooms every year (or actually, just whenever it damn pleases, as orchids tend to do), and the bouganvilla has grown into a lush, tropical wall. (In fact, it’s grown so tall that we’re afraid the neighbors might start threatening legal action soon.)
And the daughter?  Today she’s now a powerful high-tech female executive in Manhattan, to no one’s surprise. 

So, children, see what happens when you’re good to your Mother?

For the mother of Adult Children
Gift Theme = “Now Is The Time To Make Up For What A Disappointment You’ve Been”

As you grow into fine young adults, you no doubt have begun to realize that you can never repay your mothers for everything they’ve done for you.  Your mothers, however, certainly aren’t going to discourage you from trying.
Sure, when they sacrificed and toiled, year after year, to raise you up right and send you to those expensive schools that were supposed to give you a competitive advantage over the other kids, they did it with no thought of personal reward.  They just wanted you to be happy.
But, let’s be honest, how is your mother to know if all that sacrifice and hard work really paid off with an above-average-career unless she gets above-average-Mother’s-Day recognition?

And also?  You might want to consider that she’s probably still trying figure out which of you kids turned out the best, so it’s not too late to try and outdo that brown-nosing, goody-two-shoes sibling of yours.

Just a thought.

(PS:  Did we ever tell you we used to write jewelry store ads?)