The calm, rational yogi in my head told me to focus on how good it feels to move and how I was breathing as I watched my reflection during a Bikram yoga class last night.

The not-so-calm yogi screamed, “Aaahh! I’m fat!”

Part of the Bikram philosophy is to keep focused in the mirror as you go through the series – which I’m not too keen on.  Bikram is a set of 26 postures done in a room heated to about 100 degrees. The postures, performed in a distinct order and timed, are designed to improve spine strength and flexibility.

In the perfect world, I’d say I transcended my feeling of inadequacies and focused on my yoga practice for the hour and a half.

But, no, my restless mind took over – I kept flitting between focused movements and contemplating how my thighs looked (not good) in spandex shorts.

Sometimes, I feel very Bridget Jones (the plump and goofy British character played by Renee Zellweger), neurotically wondering if fat can really solidify overnight and if it’s possible to gain 5 pounds in one gorging sitting.

When I was trying to let those feelings of insecurity go, I reminded myself of the progress I’ve made.  Like any 12-step bettering program, the first leap is acknowledging the issue.

But as cliché as you-just-read-it-in-Cosmo sounds, I spent much of the hour and a half trying to convince myself I looked OK.

And then I remembered the day I took that leap.

I was a freshman in college. On the way to my dorm room, I looked in the hallway mirror and thought, “Ugh. I need to lose weight.”

Of course, the rational side of my brain reminded me I hadn’t eaten anything differently to suddenly gain 5 pounds. So why did I feel like this?

I remembered I’d been upset about something else, causing my self-esteem to plummet that day.

How this translated into me miraculous gaining weight I have no idea – but the realization felt right.

As I stood in the mirror last night, I remembered that moment. I thought about the worry I’ve put into some other things in my life.

I’ve learned in yoga that progress comes from acceptance. You accept your body will be different from day to day. Comparisons of the person next to you do you no good because the battle on the mat lies between your expectations and reality.

I wonder how long I’ll keep diverting the worry to my self-worth. But I think (and hope) that with every practice and every day filled with more insight and wisdom, I’ll be able to answer that question.

Namaste.