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Jeff Houck

The Tampa Tribune’s food writer since 2005, Jeff Houck covers the way people live through their food. He also hosts the Table Conversations food podcast and believes that everything crunchy is good.

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Juicy Oozers, Sour Chewy Cubes And Broken Hearts [Visiting The Aisle Of Misfit Valentines]

Posted Feb 15, 2012 by Jeff Houck

Updated Feb 15, 2012 at 05:56 PM

Is there anything more depressing than the drugstore candy aisle on the day after Valentine’s?

Depends on your perspective, I guess.

On one hand, you have half-priced chocolate.

On the other you have a row of remainders, cast-offs for whom there were no buyers.

Think about that.

Last night, at the final moment, the second in which most men begin their Valentine’s shopping for pitching of holiday-induced woo, these scraps of calories and fabric and animatronic dolls weren’t good enough to make the lowest rung on the most desperate love night of the year.

Like that candy above.

Chocolate Sweethearts. On paper, it looks like a good idea.

I can see the meetings that went into this. Somebody says, “People love Sweethearts on Valentines. Women love chocolate. Let’s put the two together.” A lot of harrumphing and “Yes, that’s a brilliant idea!” proclamations erupt and before you know it, you have a box of chalky faux-chocolate mints that go unsold.

But just because they weren’t sold by Valentine’s doesn’t mean they can’t be sold. Eventually.

That’s what Walgreens figures, I guess. Hopes for, is probably more accurate.

Every year, Walgreens puts its candy on sale the day after Valentine’s Day. Who would buy such a thing?

Well, people like these nice folks.

For the half hour I ~~wasted time by not writing words for The Man~~ lingered at a Tampa store, almost all of the bargain shoppers were women. Some were wearing office attire. Others donned pajamas and sweat pants and bikinis under t-shirts and shorts. Only one guy, who looked to be in his early 20s and fresh from a visit to the probation officer, dropped by. Which, when you think about it, was a stroke of genius. Talk about a target-rich environment full of unrequited chocolate cravers.

The irony was that although the discounts were deep, the quality of the selections was not. This isn’t a knock on Walgreens. You’ve gotta fill your aisles with something, after all. Taiwan and China can only make just so much stuff people actually want. No doubt the scene was being played out today in stores wherever mass-produced Cupid gear was sold.

Still, the pickings were slim, to say the least. But all showed obvious reasons for why they went undrafted in the fantasy football league of love.

Tragic name. From the Black Forest, no less.

Nothing says true love like candy that blows the lid off your cranium.

How uncute was this lion?

They tied a bag of Reese’s peanut butter cups to its leg and it still went unbought.

That’s like putting a $100 bill around the neck of an ugly puppy at the pound.

Apparently not as top as one might expect.

Suitable for:

* A hunter with a burning passion for someone who doesn’t mind the smell of deer urine

* A doomsday prepper looking to repopulate the earth after the apocalypse

* Larry the Cable Guy