Jeff Houck

The Tampa Tribune’s food writer since 2005, Jeff Houck covers the way people live through their food. He also hosts the Table Conversations food podcast and believes that everything crunchy is good.

 @JeffHouck
 The Stew
 Table Conversations
 StewVision
 Foodspotting
 Email Jeff Houck

Most Recent Entries

• USF Poly senate expresses alarm at independence bill in the Legislature
• USF showcases creationism critic tonight
• Times reporter goes to work at USF St. Pete
• Slutty Brownies, Homemade Snickers And Bacon-Wrapped Beef Hot Dogs [This Week’s Weekend Eats]
• USF Poly board member quits, saying USF is scuttling the “Poly model”
• Decision 2012: Florida’s Pizza Primary [Every Slice Of Newsroom Pie Tells A Story]
• USF gets big grant for veterans research
• Merlot Jelly, Korean Fried Chicken and Grand Marnier Souffle [This Week’s Weekend Eats]
• Researchers say cell phone waves can reverse Alzheimer’s
• Klasko and Obama grip and grin
• Genocide, memory and art the focus of USF conference
• Poly announces budget cuts; fires top administrators
• Debate turns into test of free speech. Some students failed.
• Homemade Potsticker, Pulled Pork With Fried Egg, And Unstuffed Pork Chops [This Week’s Weekend Eats]
• What’s up with the USF debate?

More

• The Stew
• The Dirt
• Hot Pursuits
• HOMEwork
• Inside USF
• L Archive
  • Green Lite
  • Bring It!

Monthly Archives

• February 2012
• January 2012
• December 2011
• November 2011
• October 2011
• September 2011

If You Love Bacon, Set It Free [Bacon Really Could Use Some Time Away From The Table]

Posted Mar 6, 2010 by Jeff Houck

Updated Mar 6, 2010 at 05:01 PM

Bacon’s tired. Seriously. It’s had about enough.

After two or three years of serious overuse, bacon could use a very nice vacation in the Cayman Islands. Maybe a cabana down by the beach. You know, so it could watch the dolphins frolic.

It’s understandable.

Right around 2008, Everyone on planet Earth decided bacon needed to be included in as many edible and non-edible items as possible.

Spinach salad? P’shaw. Too simple.

BLT sandwich? What is this, culinary preschool?

The last two years has seen an eruption in bacon love, almost to the point of pork-induced nausea.

We got bacon ice cream, bacon salt, bacon candy, bacon soap. We got bacon bandages, bacon wallets, even a so-called “Bacon Explosion,” the recipe for which called for wrapping 2 pounds of thick-cut bacon around a 2-pound roll of Italian sausage, slathering it with barbecue sauce, sprinkling it with barbecue rub and then throwing it on the grill. The only thing missing was a defibrillator and a diaper.

The momentum continues to this day. We ate a seared scallop the other night at a food festival in Tampa that was topped with bacon brittle. No offense, scallops, but that’s like Superman riding piggyback on Batman‘s shoulders. Each does fine on its own, thankyouverymuch. Co-mingling really isn’t necessary.

Even the hilarious premise of “Six-Degrees of Kevin Bacon” got old, and we liked Kevin Bacon. A lot. Perhaps too much. At least that’s what the restraining order would indicate.

Let’s face it, bacon’s pooped.

If we can agree that bacon is the Joe Montana of food, it could stand for a culinary Steve Young to come off the bench and win another championship. It could use a substitution right about now, a breather if you will.

What’s as good as bacon? Well, nothing.

We’ve already worn out vodka. Coffee was fetishized to the point of using fake Italian to place an order. Cupcakes went all cute and gourmet and Barbie on us. Wolfgang Puck took pizza to its logical conclusion. Burgers were so much fun, we turned them into sliders, a food previously fit for only drunk freshmen and plasma donors. And we probably all can agree that we collectively got a little stupid about balsamic vinegar for about 20 minutes in the mid-1990s. These things happen.

But if we had to choose the Next Great Food for America to Exault, there are a few possibilities which could take a little heat off bacon:

CHOCOLATE

Why we should love it as much as bacon: Come on, it’s chocolate. Anything that allows you to mold it in the form of bunny ears so you can gnaw them off and create a disfigured woodland creature on Easter has to be thought of as an all-time beloved foodstuff.

Why we probably won’t: Chocolate has a tendency to cost more per pound than an Escalade. And while the status of “What kind of chocolate can you afford” has its appeal to many people, they’ll still be just dandy throating a Baby Ruth instead of some incredibly dense 90 percent cacao bar that was harvested by a tribe of Amazonian virgins. You can only push chocolate so far before people cry, “Hershey!”

SALT

Why we should love it as much as bacon: For one, it’s a basic building block of life. We need it to make it through a day on earth. Second, salt’s flavor is so good, it makes bacon taste better. That’s like giving an Academy Award to another Academy Award. (Oh, to ponder the acceptance speech…)

Why we probably won’t: Salt is in the process of being demonized by government officials who act as if its harmfulness can be measured on a scale somewhere between plutonium and Lindsay Lohan. By our watches, it won’t be long until the Sodium Police start frisking us at ballgames for overly-salted sunflower seeds. When only criminals have salt… well, you know the rest.

TEQUILA

Why we should love it as much as bacon: Tequila makes everything better. Even divorce. Seriously though, ultra-refined, high-grade tequila is one of the finest beverages on the planet. Pure. Delicious. Borderline precious. And it pairs well with everything. Especially divorce. What? Huh? What’s all this divorce talk? When did that come up?

Why we probably won’t: If you think salt is an endangered species, alcohol is like a polar bear on a melting ice cap. Tequila is as bad as whiskey which is as bad as beer which is as bad as [continue run-on sentence premise here]. Tequila aficionados, we applaud you, but you’re on your own from here.

DOUGHNUTS

Why we should love it as much as bacon: As Homer Simpson knows, there’s nothing doughnuts can’t do. Sure, they hit a bump a decade ago as everyone went all anti-carb, but they’ve started to make a comeback as an artisanal baked good. Why? Because they’re doughnuts. And that’s a good enough reason.

Why we probably won’t: Unlike bacon, you can’t hide behind an Atkins sign with a crueler in one hand and a Bear Claw in the other and scream, “THESE DOUGHNUTS ARE ON MY DIET!” If that day comes, then sure. Load up on the buggers. Until then, fried bread covered in sugary love probably will remain a go-to snack-food only for AA meetings and cop shops. It’s a tragedy sad enough to make us cry tears of delicious jelly filling.