Jeff Houck

The Tampa Tribune’s food writer since 2005, Jeff Houck covers the way people live through their food. He also hosts the Table Conversations food podcast and believes that everything crunchy is good.

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Go Outside The Bun

Posted Nov 8, 2005 by Jeff Houck

Updated Dec 1, 2005 at 10:16 AM

I believe in my heart that there are times in life when consumption can help you attain a spiritual purpose, when pursuit of ultimate gratification can overwhelm the soul with fulfillment and become a grail unto itself. Then again, it depends on what you’re consuming.

And since I’m all about consumpting myself to the pinacle of gratification, I thought I’d go with my friend Rommie on Friday to a place in east Tampa we’d heard about named Frank’s Fast And Best Sandwich Shop. We’d heard this place had a 2-pound hamburger on the menu. We had to see that freak show with our own eyes.

Near the corner of 50th Street and 7th Avenue, Frank’s isn’t much bigger than a shotgun shack. I don’t think the place has more than 10 booths/tables inside.

But what it lacks in size, it makes up for in exterior wall adornment.

Hmmm. Our first signs that the rumor might be true.

A little diversity. Nice.

So they spelled calzone wrong.

You don’t spell it, son. You eat it.

“Monster Pizza?” As if we needed more reasons to eat there.

This, of course, cinched the deal.

Did I mention it was small?

Mind the sign on the wall, please.

I’ll have the Monster Burger. With Cheese, please.

Wait. Is that them?

You bet your boots those are ours.

This is the face of a man contemplating his place in the universe.

When we ordered, our waitress Crystal asked if we both wanted fries.

Before we could reply, she answered for us.

“Nah. You’ll only want one basket.”

How right she was. I think Rommie and I only ate one token fry each.

Band name: Token Fry.

Rommie wisely partitioned his burger before attacking.

Despite having more than enough room to get your hands on them, Monster Burgers do present a grappling challenge. So Rommie deployed his partitioning technique one step farther.

Mmmm. Oversized burger.

The tale of the tapeworm: In the end, I polished off three-quarters of the beast. Rommie devoured half. I could have done more, but I didn’t want to tax my system. As it was, I was already pushing the point from a gastrointestinal standpoint.

Damn thing should have been served with a defibrillator and a diaper.

Crystal asked if we wanted a box. We looked at her, like, “Are you kidding?”

After all, we needed to bring the antlers back to camp for proof of the kill.

An aside: Is it me or does Rommie’s face in this photo resemble a Russian icon?

Okay. Maybe it’s just me.

You’ll have to excuse my hallucinations. It’s the burger talkin’.

Back at work, Rommie paraded the half-devoured beast like he was showing off an offspring with pride. People gasped. Others ran to see the spectacle. It was truly a great, great showcase.

Later the next day, I got this e-mail from Rommie:

Pure chewing satisfaction indeed.