When you’re a food writer, a lot of promotional stuff comes over the transom. Giant foam avocadoes. Coffee-flavored barbecue sauce. Enough cases of Christmas Peeps to make a diorama the size of FAO Schwarz.

So, it takes a lot to get noticed. Which is where the box of “Sex and The City” Skyy vodka comes in.

Wait a tick…

It’s a shoe box. How cute adorable commercially shallow insultingly stereotypical spiritually vacant message-appropriate for the Manolo Blahnik crowd.

How deep does the shoe-theme go?

This deep.

As the press kit explains:

“Sex and the City is coming to the big screen in a feature film adaptation of the hit HBO television series, opening nationwide May 30. Get in the spirit with cocktails themed after the characters who defined cocktail culture for an entire generation.”

Skyy vodka has created a raft of fun cocktails for you and your friends to enjoy. Which Sex and the City character do you emulate the most? Whether you have Carrie’s unique sense of style, Charlotte’s view on romance, Miranda’s sensibility or Samantha’s adventurous side, a fun cocktail can bring everyone’s personalities together for a night out on the town ... or a night in with the firls! Want to include your male counterparts? Even Big has his own drink.

These cocktails will be found nationwide at select bars and nightclubs and are a perfect way for you and your friends to truly experience Sex and the City.”

Let’s review the cocktails then. Shall we?

CARRIE
2 ounces Skyy vodka
1 ounce X-Rated Fusion Liqueur
2 ounces cranberry juice
3/4 ounce sparkling apple cider
Shake Skyy, X-Rated and cranberry with ice and strain into chilled martini glass. Top with cider and garnish with a think apple slice.

Notes: ”Enjoy this cocktail over lunch or after work with your girlfriends to relax and kick off your Manolo Blahnik heels.”

Verdict: Tart, overly sweet, flavor profile as shallow as the glass. Tastes like serial monogamy. Also a bit horsey.

MIRANDA
2 ounces Skyy vodka
3/4 ounce Campari
2 ounces pomegranate juice
1 ounce Triple Sec
Squeeze of lemon
Shake with ice and strain into chilled martini glass. Garnish with a lemon wheel.

Notes: “As Miranda would say, ‘Soul mates only exist in the Hallmark aisle of Duane Reade Drugs.’ This hint of bitterness can be found in Miranda’s cocktail but is softened by the sweet touches that make Miranda so loveable.”

Verdict: A squeeze of lemon to represent her bitterness? You’d need a gallon of quinine, four bushels of dandelion greens and a mouthful of brewer’s yeast to approximate one molecule of Miranda’s bitter essence.

CHARLOTTE
2 ounces Skyy vodka
2 ounces pink lemonade
1 ounces Triple Sec
1/2 ounce Midori Melon liqueur
Shake with ice and strain into chilled martini glass. Garnish with an edible flower.

Notes: “Charlotte’s signature cocktail starts off a bit conservative, but then leaves them something for the imagination.”

Verdict: So this is what a super-size combo of privledge, naivite and emotional blindness tastes like. So much for ordering Pink Ladies. Watch out for the mule-kick of Midori. Especially if a home video camera is around.

SAMANTHA
2 1/2 ounces Skyy vodka
1 1/2 ounces Cabo Wabo Anejo tequila
1 ounce simple syrup
1 ounce freshly squeezed lime juice
Shake with ice and strain into chilld martini glass. Rim glass with mixture of salt and small amount of white pepper. No garnish.

Notes: “Samantha definitely speaks her mind and reminds us that we all have a wild side waiting to be revealed.”

Verdict: Martini, martini, martini. Doesn’t anyone on this show use a highball glass?

Drink enough of these, ladies, and that extra half-ounce of vodka and buckshot of Cabo will guarantee you’ll be doing the Walk of Shame with your pumps in one hand and a contraceptive sponge in the other. Give our regards to Raoul the virologist down at the free clinic. He’s very gentle with the 22-gauge needle. Or so we’ve heard.

As promotional tie-ins go, I guess they could have done worse than vodka. Sure, the Yaz birth control pill was probably a more natural fit, but throwing a word like “Yaz” into dialogue tends to be a bit of a speedbump when you wedge it into a plotline.

Match.com also would have been a lousy shoehorn. These tres hip Manhattanites would rather be caught mowing through Grandpa’s Country Fried Breakfast at Cracker Barrel than deign to use a dating service.

So, yeah. Vodka. Cool. Gets a girl loaded quick so she can make some bad decisions. Good call, Skyy. Well done.