Okay, girls, I know some of you say you don’t give a flying fiddlestick about what’s In or Out at the moment; you just wear what “works” for you.  But please, have some compassion for the rest of us and stop parading around town in any of the following outdated looks:

Overly Straightened Hair
Is your hair so poker-straight that it doesn’t move at all when you shake your head?  Could your jaggedy ends take out someone’s eye?  Do you look like Jennifer Aniston, circa 2001?  Stop. Now.  Put down the flatiron and slowly back away.  You can let it go a little wavy now, honest!  If you don’t believe us, see, oh, every fashion/celeb magazine that’s been published in the last two years.  (And don’t even try to tell us you don’t “follow” that stuff—where do you think you got the idea you needed straight hair to begin with?)

“Honey Streaked” Hair
This is usually combined with the overly-straightened look (again with that Jennifer Aniston!) but is not limited to blonds—brunettes are still doing it with those “caramel” (more like orange) chunks too.  There’s certainly nothing wrong with highlights, Darling— but those big ole streaks have got to go.

Long Square Nails/French Manicures
We thought that only strippers were still doing this stuff, but it turns out some very nice people are still getting those bizarre looking long, squared-off French nails.  Leaf through any publication showing whichever fashion icons you prefer—models, movie stars, TV celebs, heiresses, whatever—and you will see short, pale, or bare, nails on almost all of them.  Occasionally you’ll see some dark polish, but the nails are still short.  And we’re not even going to discuss airbrushing or “nail art”.

Bare Midriffs
Seriously.  Stop it.  Even Christina Aguilara has quit doing this.  And take out that stupid navel ring while you’re at it.

Tattoos
We’ve always hated these, but at least once upon a time they had the advantage of being a little edgy.  Now they’re just plain sad.  Oh, fine--- if you want to hide a little flower, or a star, or some Chinese character (that the tattoo tech will probably misspell, and so, instead of meaning “serenity” or whatever you thought it meant, really means “socks” or “where did I leave my car keys?” ) somewhere, have at it.  But for public real-estate, like shoulders and forearms?  Please, grow the heck up and just say No.

Louis Vuitton ANYTHING
Some of our best friends (and the nice people at Saks) are going to hate us for this, but—Don’t care if it’s real, don’t care if it’s fake, we are just so tired of that ghetto-y logo print (since the 80’s we’ve been looking at that garbage) that we’d like to gather them all up and make a huge, stinky bonfire out of them.  We’ll even bring the marshmallows.

Giant Fake Boobs
We have nothing against high-quality, correctly-sized-implants.  In fact, South Tampa would probably sink below sea level if every socialite had theirs removed at once.  And we certainly love boobs as a fashion accessory, when properly displayed.  But, Honey, those obviously store-bought, basketball sized knockers just make you look very silly.  Especially when you lie down.

Juicy Couture
Okay, we’ll admit that Juicy has introduced some new items this fall that are surprisingly good, but it’s time to retire anything resembling the J-Lo style matching hoodie-and-sweats combo.  (Unless you’re under three years old, in which case, you can still totally get away with it, especially when you put up the hood so that your head looks like a cute little bowling ball.)

If you’re guilty of any of these, sorry we had to go all Tough Love on you today--but it’s for your own good.  Really.