Jeff Houck

The Tampa Tribune’s food writer since 2005, Jeff Houck covers the way people live through their food. He also hosts the Table Conversations food podcast and believes that everything crunchy is good.

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DO NOT TAUNT HAPPY FUN BALL

Posted Feb 28, 2006 by Jeff Houck

Updated Feb 28, 2006 at 07:59 AM

I have sort of a dark appreciation for warning instructions found in owners manuals of household products. I like to watch clowns suffer debilitating injuries while falling from fast-moving vehicles, too. I’m that kind of guy.

So when I got a set of NapaStyle kitchen knives recently as a gift, (Which I love, incidentally. A laser-sharp knife is a joy forever), I just had to read the admonitions.

Oh, this should be good. I don’t want to say it’s wordy and boring, but it looks like the opening title crawl from “Star Wars.”

No, these instructions are to indemnify your company in case Jeffrey Dahmer comes back to do a little carving.

I mean, let’s at least be honest with each other, knife company to newly gifted knife owner.

Thanks for the advice about the hand and fingers. Who do you think is using these things, Seth from “City of Angels”?

Sing along with me, Perry Como fans…

“Catch a falling knife and put it in your pocket…”

Jesus Jones on a jump rope. How stupid do they think we are? If a knife falls, I’m not catching. I’m dancing. Like a frog on a hot plate.

Good lord. What other nonsensical babble are they going to foist?

Oh.

Okay.

::::innocent whistling:::

Guess whose son cut himself on Daddy-O’s new knives?

You guessed it; Son of The Stew.

Nevermind.