We’re encouraged to obsess about relationships. How to get ’em, fix ’em and make sure we stay in ’em (with or without a prenup). And we’re encouraged to think that we can change ourselves to fit them.

Here’s a smattering of headlines from women’s magazines about the pair-bonding obsession:

* How to Reach Soul-Mate Status with Any Man

* Cure the Lure of Bad Boys this New Year

* Get the Love You Deserve

I’ve picked endless flowers, leaves and whatever else I can get my nervous hands on, asking, “He loves me, he loves me not?” all the way back to grade-school crushes. I’ve had marathon phone conversations with friends trying to figure out if the current one is, in fact, “the one.”

I’m in no hurry for cohabitation, marriage or babies. But I’m curious to know how people pull it off. My parents have been happily married for 43 years.  They’re opposites — my mom’s energetic and has manual smarts (she can recreate just about anything she tastes); my dad organizes his budget and life with a collection of Excel spreadsheets and prefers to spend his evenings watching TV.

Most recently, I was obsessing and stressing about a boy on the phone with my best friend, Briana — a situation after 14 years of friendship she’s quite used to.

I’d successfully avoided “the conversation” with him — you know, the one where you declare your feelings, decide how you should refer to each other to acquaintances and acknowledge whether or not you see a future together. 

But then I had an “Ah-ha!” moment. What if, for once, I stopped consulting Magic 8 Balls, flower petals and fortune cookies and just rolled with it, until it a) worked or b) it didn’t.

So I took another random, unscientific poll to see if maybe I was on the right track to this whole happiness thing.

Here’s what I got:

* “Relationships are about surrendering. It’s not so much about the other person not letting you be you. Rather, you have to be comfortable with being yourself. You have your trial folks to deal with so you are able to determine your likes and dislikes, and what it is you want from a partner. However, in the end, the one who causes you to pause, the one who consumes your thoughts, the one who carries you in their heart and you the same is the one who you thought to be impossible … And it’s not that it’s hard to believe that this person is the one, you have to be ready to believe it.” — Sarah, single

* “Understand, you can’t change anyone! The only person you can change is yourself! This is the key to counseling. When I can get someone to buy into the idea that the best way to change their relationship is to change themselves, this, in turn, makes their relational partner change their attitudes and actions to adjust to the changes the other has made.” — Rocky, married for 35 years

* “If you are immature and insecure and don’t know yourself, then you get caught up in expectations, fears and fantasies about how someone or some situation should be. In the second scenario, the relationship works and you can be your true self and you accept your partner’s true self because you’re into acceptance of what is, not what you think it oughta be!  When you learn to first accept yourself as you are then you can accept others … My advice on letting go and letting you and the other just be? Self-Study through yoga (of course).” — Laraine, married for 29 years

* “You cannot marry someone and expect to change them. If you do that, the relationship is bound to fail. When I married my husband, there were things about him I didn’t like and vice versa. Now, he was aware of this and changed the behavior because he knew it was detrimental to our relationship. It’s not something I tried to make him do, he did it on his own; the same with me. We are from two completely different backgrounds and were raised very differently.” — Cloe, married for nine years

* “There is no one-fits-all answer for relationships. Love is complicated and complex. And the older we wait before stepping knee deep into a committed relationship or marriage, the less open we are to compromise. But that shouldn’t be a reason not to open your heart to someone. It’s human nature to guard your feelings early in the dating stage. No one wants to be labeled a sucker, so we proceed in a new relationship on eggshells, fearful of speaking our mind, trying to prevent Mr. or Miss Right from becoming Mr. or Miss Right Now. We are afraid to be ourselves, living with the false illusion that if this person likes me, they won’t want to leave if the relationship lasts and my true self is finally revealed. Stop kidding yourself. You don’t want to be involved with someone who doesn’t allow you to be all the person you are, faults and all.” — Ken, single

What do you think makes it work? Post a comment.