Jeff Houck

The Tampa Tribune’s food writer since 2005, Jeff Houck covers the way people live through their food. He also hosts the Table Conversations food podcast and believes that everything crunchy is good.

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Baseball Mascots We’d Love To Eat [It’s World Series Time]

Posted Oct 28, 2009 by Jeff Houck

Updated Nov 6, 2009 at 01:22 PM

A year ago tonight (figuratively, not literally), I was sitting at Tropicana Field about to watch the Tampa Bay Rays in their first World Series game.

Where did the time go? Seriously. Other than the painful process of watching the Rays not live up to expectations in 2009, it went by in a blink.

Unburdened by enthusiastic homerism for my favorite team, I can concentrate tonight on hating both the Phillies (who beat the Rays last year in an all-too-brief Series) and the Yankees (What’s not to hate?). It’s a Sophie’s Choice to pick which one to despise.

Searching for something upon which I can focus positive baseball attention, I had to dip all the way down to the minor leagues.

I’m a big fan of the minors. Nothing beats the joy of sitting in an intimate park watching players at an early stage of their career.

There’s also a fair amount of hilarity to be had from the in-game promotions.

Once about 15 years ago, I attended a double-header in Port St. Lucie. The intermission between games was used to conduct a mascot kickball game.

You read that right.

These weren’t professional mascots, however. Sure, the St. Lucie Mets’ bull Blue was there. He was quasi-professional. But the rest of the field was filled with a Burger King hamburger and fries, an IHOP pancake, a walking milkshake and a high school bear mascot.

My favorite, though, was a Wonder bread mascot known by the name - I kid you not - “Pinch-a-Loaf.”

My favorite moment came Pinch kicked an inside-the-park home run. As he rounded third base, though, centrifugal force took a toll on him and pushed him into running at a somewhat top-heavy 45-degree angle. He finished with a dedicated slide that soiled his otherwise pristine costume. I was so smitten, I had to have a photo taken with him.

So, I know from mascots.

That said, I’ve developed a few favorites over the years whose image I’ve collected on hats and shirts:

1. Montgomery Biscuits

The Class AA affiliate of the Tampa Bay Rays moved to Montgomery from Orlando in 2004, where the team was unimaginatively named the Rays.

Where to start with this mascot? Maybe the crossed googly eyes, which pre-date the pile of money you could be saving if you switched to Geico. Maybe it’s the shoes attached to a biscuit body that lacks leg appendages. My guess would be that the pad of butter as a tongue is what gives this inspired logo its charm.

Most times, the Biscuit has a clenched fist, but he/she’s also been depicted giving the thumbs up signal. Gotta like a cross-eyed foodstuff with a positive attitude.

The team’s nickname was selected after a contest to name the team. The team’s Wikipedia entry says Biscuits was selected in part to the potential marketing and pun possibilities. As in, “Hey, Butter, Butter, Butter.”

Heh, heh. Ugh.

Awesome Fact: During games biscuits are shot from an air cannon into the stands.

2. Hickory Crawdads

The Class A pride of Hickory, N.C., are an affiliate of the Texas Rangers. The mascot’s full name: Conrad. Personally, I’d rather die of shame than be a crustacean named Conrad, but that’s just me. The only way to redeem his masculinty would be if he were to slide into a pot of boiling water after every home run, a la the way Bernie the Brewer slides into beer in Milwaukee.

The logo on the left? Ultra cool. I’d pay cash money to see a crawdad throw a slurve with his claw.

The logo on the right? Looks like Conrad’s too drunk to hold himself upright. That one needs to go back to the drawing board.

Awesome Fact: The Crawdads in 2008 hosted a human sumo hamburger race.

What is that? This is that:

3. Jamestown Jammers

Ah yes, the angry grapes. Watch out, opponents, they might stain you!

The Jammers are a Short-Season Class A affiliate of the Florida Marlins based in Jamestown, N.Y., which plays in the Penn League.

Since 1939, the town has been home to a succession of mascots including the Falcons, Jaguars and the Expos. The current incarnation was founded in 1994 after the team in Niagara Falls moved to Jamestown. Fans voted for the “Jammers” name, besting also-rans the Furniture Makers, Jimmies, Lakers, Lucys, Muskies and Steamers. Ew.

A Tasmanian Devil-type character named J.J. Jammer served as the mascot until 2006, when the cartoon grape logo was chosen as a reflection of grape-growing in Chautauqua County, where the team plays. Later that year, the team announced its new mascot would be Bubba Grape, the Baseball Ape.

Which, of course, makes no sense whatsover. Which. of course, is what makes it great.

Quasi-awesome Fact: Former Jammers players include Yorman Bazardo. There is no significance to this fact, other than he had a cool name.

Baseball Food Mascot Runners-up:

Kansas City T-Bones

Cedar Rapids Kernels

Columbus Catfish

Tabasco Olmecas