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Jeff Houck

The Tampa Tribune’s food writer since 2005, Jeff Houck covers the way people live through their food. He also hosts the Table Conversations food podcast and believes that everything crunchy is good.

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A Winning Ticket: Houck With A Side Of Bacon [Change Our Country Can Believe In]

Posted Oct 28, 2012 by Jeff Houck

Updated Oct 28, 2012 at 08:41 AM

Sweet Tea Party - Houck Bacon

My fellow Americans,

With great humility and endless pride, I hereby accept the nomination of the Sweet Tea Party for the presidency of the United States of America.

It’s true, my candidacy is dependent on this nation’s voters wiping the barbecue sauce from their hands long enough to write my name legibly on their ballot on Election Day. It also is true that I currently am the only member of the Sweet Tea party.

But never mind. I have faith that the men and women of the greatest nation on earth will thoughtfully examine the food-focused platform of the Sweet Tea Party and choose me to lead them in their pursuit of happiness.

My opponents in this year’s election will viciously claim that my candidacy is a sham, that I lack the experience to manage the nation’s finances, to command our armed forces and negotiate treaties with other nations, be they friend or foe. They will attack me for having never run for public office, for having no official stance on the great social issues of our time and for having no answer to the question: “Boxers or briefs?”

And they will be correct. All of those statements are indisputably truthy.

What I offer you as a voter and citizen of this great land is a promise that our future together will be more delicious than our past.

Toward that goal I have chosen a running mate who complements my candidacy beyond all others: Bacon.

United States of Bacon

Bacon and I have been longtime colleagues and friends. I have admired Bacon’s work on behalf of America for many years. I know Bacon will be a valuable asset to this campaign because, let’s face it, Bacon makes everything better.

Together, we shall travel this land to share our vision of a country that sits the table together for a common feast of freedom.

Our platform is as follows:

* Cooking instruction shall be woven into the fabric of our children’s education, from math to composition to science and even phys ed. The kitchen shall once again become a place of learning instead of a place to fear.

* Independence Day shall move from July 4 to July 11. Why? Think about it. July 11 … 7/11 … 7-Eleven. They give out free Slurpees that day. Big-time freedom. No brainer there.

* Drive-thru workers will no longer be allowed to ask if we want ketchup. Of course we want ketchup. We want ketchup with no questions, the way our founding fathers envisioned. And extra napkins. Tack it to the price of the fries and let’s get this country moving again!

* Every four years, I shall deliver a State of the Onion address to Congress. (“America, I am pleased to report that the state of our onion is strong. And delicious when fried to a golden crisp.”)

* A Houck administration shall be stridently pro-choice, if by pro-choice you mean that a restaurant server should always offer the option of sweet or unsweet tea. Sure, we’ll always opt for the sweetened version, but we want the full menu of opportunities, even when we are north of Virginia.

* Speaking of tea, long-handled iced tea spoons shall be mandatory with all servings. Long spoons once made this country great and can do so once again. We hold these truths to be self-evident: Our nation should not be stirring with knives, stubby spoons, bendy straws, coffee stirrers, cocktail swords and dirty index fingers.

* The National Mall between the Capitol and the Washington Monument shall become the Nation’s Farm. Why stop at the White House garden? All that open land can be better used for the common good than merely as a place to watch fireworks.

* No child shall go hungry. Seriously, what’s up with that? A guy named Felix can free-fall from 24 miles above earth but we can’t send all of our kids to bed with a full belly? Whatever it takes, America, Bacon and I will get it done. How is this still an issue?

In short, my challenge to you once I am elected as your president will be this simple task:

Ask not what your country can chew for you. Ask what you can chew for your country.

The Presidents Hall of Fame

Reader Comments

Por (neen) on October 28, 2012 (Suggest removal)

You had me at no child should go to bed hungry! You certainly have my vote! Stir on!

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