Jeff Houck

The Tampa Tribune’s food writer since 2005, Jeff Houck covers the way people live through their food. He also hosts the Table Conversations food podcast and believes that everything crunchy is good.

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2011’s Grossest Halloween Candy [I Spy With My Little Eye Some Eyeball Pumpkin Pie]

Posted Oct 26, 2011 by Jeff Houck

Updated Oct 26, 2011 at 12:00 PM

Time for my annual power rankings of the scariest Halloween candy on store shelves.

As I stated the two previous years, Halloween candy that lacks a sense of danger is candy that might as well not be eaten. Unless you’re hungry and you have a sweet tooth. Then go right ahead.

What I do not need is cute candy, adorable candy, candy that you want to adopt and take home instead of eat. This I can get any time of year.

I don’t need a Russell Stover “In Goblins We Trust” $1 billion chocolate bar with a sleepy-eyed Frankenstein on the cover who looks like he drank too much cough syrup.

I once again have gone on a candy safari to find the kind of confections you’d only eat while watching “Paranormal Activity.”

I have some bad news: This seems to be a bad year for gross-out goodies. Last year, I found gummy fried noodles and eyeballs. I jumped at the life-size gummy brain. It was like a zombie fiesta.

This year? Very little in the vom-worthy niche. Perhaps the Bag of Blood is still for sale somewhere, but darn if I could find it. The rest on store shelves play it so safe; they might as well have Elmo on the wrapper.

“It’s so boring this year,” said Cybele May, author of Candy Blog.

Russell Stover is doing Day of the Dead skeletons on their wrappers, but they’re only selling those in communities with a large Mexican population, she said.

Maybe it might have something to do with fewer people having the disposable income to shell out 15 bucks for an edible, anatomically correct heart. Maybe with all the zombie and vampire movies and TV shows out there, there’s a gruesome fatigue.

My favorites for 2011 and their relative gross-out factors on a scale of 1 to 10 (with 10 being truly nauseating):

Sweet Time Gummy Body Parts (Walgreens $6.99)

Let’s be honest: The chewable fingers, feet, teeth, heart, eyeballs and lungs are pretty tame. Put them in a coffin-shaped box, though and you have my attention. Getting 75 pieces for under $7 makes this a cannibal’s dream.

Gross-out factor: 5

It’s Alive Diner Creepy Crawly Sandwich (Walgreens, $1.50)

The Tribune has a vending machine I call the “Wheel of Death.” Although the food has improved in recent years, it once sold – and I am not making this up – breaded, microwaveable chicken gizzards. This sandwich-shaped marshmallow and gummy candy with simulated green bread, gummy worms and chewy candy spider looks like it would fit right in, so much so I was tempted to pay to plant it in one of the empty spots on the wheel.

Gross-out factor: 7

Blood Lollipop cherry candy (Target, $1.99)

This one caught my attention mostly because it looked gross enough to have come from a crime scene, complete with clots and plasma. (Note to Self: Call CBS, pitch idea for CSI: Candy.) Not sure I’d want to eat this twice, but it’s morbid enough to make your mom faint if you put it in your mouth.

Gross-out factor: 9

Marshmallow Eyeball Pop (Walgreens, 99 cents)

It’s squishy, it looks like a giant eyeball, and it’s sugary delicious. It won’t be confused for the real thing – it’s way too big. But the texture of biting into it might make the folks at Visionworks a little squeamish. Put a little mayonnaise on it for a glaucoma flavor.

Gross-out factor: 8

Creepy Craniums Ice Tray (Target, $4.99)

The concept is simple: Ice cube tray filled with miniature gummy brains. Fill with water, freeze and then use to chill your next ghoulish punchbowl. And if you’ve ever eaten cold, clammy brains, you know what a treat that can be. Ew.

Gross-out factor: 9

Eye Popping Pie (Walgreens, $1.50)

Looks like a normal slice of pumpkin pie. Except for the bloody eyeball in the middle where the whipped cream should be. Other than that, it’s totally normal. Good luck asking for seconds.

Gross-out factor: 7