John Allman

If you’ve ever wandered the aisles at the video store or surfed the DVR pay-per-view options and seen a bunch of movies that you’ve never heard of, chances are John has watched them. Why? He loves movies. All kinds of movies. Good, bad, so-bad-they’re good, even the truly unwatchable ones. He mostly loves horror and science-fiction and drive-in exploitation movies that most upstanding model citizens wouldn’t dare watch. Then he writes up his thoughts so you can decide - watch, don’t watch or avoid at all costs. Sometimes he even gets to talk to the cool folks who make some of your favorite films.

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 John Allman

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Whiteout

Posted Feb 3, 2010 by John Allman

Updated Feb 3, 2010 at 11:46 AM

Whiteout
Genre: Thriller
Directed by: Dominic Sena
Run time: 101 minutes
Rating: R
Format: Blu-Ray

The Lowdown: Sometimes, good movies get overlooked because they come out amid a crowded multiplex full of mass-consumption blandness.

Other times, bad movies get overlooked, and delayed, because they just suck.

Guess which category “Whiteout,” the terminally delayed Kate Beckinsale-starring graphic novel adaptation, falls into?

Yup. Suck city.

“Whiteout” begins with promise, especially for those watching in high-definition. The opening set piece looks insanely cool on Blu-Ray and perfectly captures the barren, intimidating frozen tundra of Antarctica.

Once the credits roll, director Dominic Sena, the director responsible for having Halle Berry bare her breasts in one of the most unnecessary nude shots in cinema history, wastes no time getting Beckinsale into a steamy shower where (implied) nudity is all you get.

Then the flashbacks begin. Always with the flashbacks. Is there a rule that genre films have to feature some slow-motion, told in stages, flashback?

Then the mystery starts and it’s really no big mystery, just a cavalcade of red herrings that most hardcore fans will instantly spot. The big reveal is about as satisfying as cold, congealed macaroni and cheese.

I was really looking forward to “Whiteout.” It’s based on a cool graphic novel, its premise revolves around Antarctica’s first serial killer and it stars the stupid hot Beckinsale who made latex and PVC so yummy delicious in “Underworld.”

So what went wrong?

There’s just not enough story, or a good enough story, to hold your interest. The really cool elements – trying to evade and survive an attack by a serial killer in sub-zero artic conditions – are hurried to the point of being ineffective.

The big set pieces, such as having Beckinsale become trapped in an underground cave, happen so early in the film that you never feel a sense of danger for her.

And the ending is a waste. It’s anti-climatic, generic and funny in a not-good way. I’m pretty sure that’s not what the filmmakers were going for, to have someone laughing in disgust at what should have been a tense final showdown.

The Stuff You Care About:
Hot chicks – Yes, yes, Kate Beckinsale is insanely hot.
Nudity – Brief.
Gore – Yes.
Drug use – No.
Bad Guys/Killers – Thieves? Really, thieves.
Buy/Rent – Neither.
On the Web – http://whiteoutmovie.warnerbros.com/dvd/index.html
Release Date – Jan. 19, 2010