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John Allman

If you’ve ever wandered the aisles at the video store or surfed the DVR pay-per-view options and seen a bunch of movies that you’ve never heard of, chances are John has watched them. Why? He loves movies. All kinds of movies. Good, bad, so-bad-they’re good, even the truly unwatchable ones. He mostly loves horror and science-fiction and drive-in exploitation movies that most upstanding model citizens wouldn’t dare watch. Then he writes up his thoughts so you can decide - watch, don’t watch or avoid at all costs. Sometimes he even gets to talk to the cool folks who make some of your favorite films.

Blood, Violence and Babes
John Allman

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Train

Posted Dec 8, 2009 by John Allman

Updated Dec 8, 2009 at 01:15 AM

Train
Genre: Horror/Torture Porn
Directed by: Gideon Raff
Run time: 94 minutes
Rating: R
Format: DVD

The Lowdown: What if you set out to remake the classic 1980s Jamie Lee Curtis slasher, “Terror Train,” but all you could think to do was blatantly rip off “Hostel”?

You’d pretty much have “Train,” the long-delayed – and well past Torture Porn’s peak – body-butchering waste of time starring the still-relevant, yet seeking a breakout role, Thora Birch.

This is a movie that delivers early, as in the opening credits, on abundant gore. Bodies are stripped of skin, organs ripped out haphazardly, eyeballs plucked and tongues snipped off.

And if that’s all you want from a horror movie in this day and age, then you will be satisfied.

For those who still like a plot, go elsewhere.

Birch plays one of five collegiate wrestlers (seriously?) competing in a European tournament. There’s also her boyfriend, the hothead; her best friend, the slut; their horny guy pal; the bisexual assistant coach; and the uptight, but willing to cheat, Bush-era head coach who exists solely to yell at his squad about how worthless they are.

After a mildly interesting night at a Euro-glam fetish party that provides the requisite shots of bare breasts and chains, the wrestlers miss their initial train and are hoodwinked into boarding the butcher bus, courtesy of a crazy (and hot) blonde doctor lady.

No sooner than you can say “Bad idea,” the crew is split up, butchered one by one and forced to contend with a whole trainload of baddies hellbent on stealing their organs to sell for surgery to the blind, impotent and maimed.

Say what you want about Eli Roth, but at least he has a knack for providing some tension, some genuine laughs and some suspense before letting the blood flow like a fountain.

The Stuff You Care About:
Hot chicks – Thora Birch, still hot.
Nudity – Yes.
Gore – Yes.
Drug use – No.
Bad Guys/Killers – Crazy Eastern European organ thieves.
Buy/Rent – Neither.
Release Date – Nov. 17, 2009