John Allman

If you’ve ever wandered the aisles at the video store or surfed the DVR pay-per-view options and seen a bunch of movies that you’ve never heard of, chances are John has watched them. Why? He loves movies. All kinds of movies. Good, bad, so-bad-they’re good, even the truly unwatchable ones. He mostly loves horror and science-fiction and drive-in exploitation movies that most upstanding model citizens wouldn’t dare watch. Then he writes up his thoughts so you can decide - watch, don’t watch or avoid at all costs. Sometimes he even gets to talk to the cool folks who make some of your favorite films.

 Blood, Violence and Babes
 John Allman

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Stan Helsing, Left Bank and Staunton Hill

Posted Dec 7, 2009 by John Allman

Updated Dec 7, 2009 at 11:11 PM

Stan Helsing
Genre: Horror/Comedy
Directed by: Bo Zenga
Run time: 90 minutes
Rating: R
Format: Blu-Ray

The Lowdown: Aren’t parodies supposed to be funny?

In the frustrating, decidedly unfunny horror-comedy “Stan Helsing,” there are no real jokes in the first 25 minutes. Sure, there’s a Freddy Krueger character who thinks he’s a rap star, a Michael Myers character wearing a yamaka and a Pinhead character with darts in his head instead of nails.

Oh yeah, hysterical.

There’s also no plot present in the first 25 minutes, and that’s a big reason why I turned it off. No worries Van, Stan’s no threat to your legacy.

Left Bank
Genre: Thriller
Directed by: Pieter Van Hees
Run time: 102 minutes
Rating: Unrated
Format: DVD

The Lowdown: This import from Belgian director Pieter Van Hees gets some mighty heady praise on its DVD cover box: “As important as “Let the Right One”…Definitely one of the best horror films of the past 10 years.”

“Left Bank” doesn’t live up to the praise. It’s a well-made film full of interesting camera angles, gratuitous skin and erotic scenes of copulation, but there’s very little horror to be found.

“Let the Right One In” grabbed you from the first snowswept frame and didn’t let go until its gutpunch powerful ending. “Left Bank” isn’t that kind of movie. Don’t be fooled.

Staunton Hill
Genre: Horror
Directed by: Cameron Romero
Run time: 89 minutes
Rating: Unrated
Format: DVD

The Lowdown: Cameron Romero, the son of legendary horror director George A. Romero,  releases his second feature “Staunton Hill.” The comparisons are inevitable. Romero’s film, like his father’s early work, focuses on social politics in the late 1960s. It features a prominent black character in an interracial relationship at a time when society still wasn’t too keen on that. And it hues a little to close to the tried and tired “Texas Chainsaw Massacre” formula of good people stumbling on a bad place and being punished by a homicidal family for no apparent reason.

But at least he didn’t try to make a zombie movie.