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John Allman

If you’ve ever wandered the aisles at the video store or surfed the DVR pay-per-view options and seen a bunch of movies that you’ve never heard of, chances are John has watched them. Why? He loves movies. All kinds of movies. Good, bad, so-bad-they’re good, even the truly unwatchable ones. He mostly loves horror and science-fiction and drive-in exploitation movies that most upstanding model citizens wouldn’t dare watch. Then he writes up his thoughts so you can decide - watch, don’t watch or avoid at all costs. Sometimes he even gets to talk to the cool folks who make some of your favorite films.

Blood, Violence and Babes
John Allman

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Pirates II: Stagnetti’s Revenge

Posted Mar 3, 2009 by John Allman

Updated Mar 3, 2009 at 04:29 PM

Pirates II: Stagnetti’s Revenge
Genre: Erotica/Action
Directed by: Joone
Run time: 95 minutes
Rating: R
Format: Blu-Ray

The Lowdown: Spiderman. Lara Croft, Tomb Raider. The Lord of the Rings.

They’ve all been turned into soft-core or hardcore adult movies.

So why not “Pirates of the Caribbean”?

“Pirates II: Stagnetti’s Revenge” is the big-budget sequel to Digital Playground’s smash XXX-rated film “Pirates.” This time around, the sequel plays off “Pirates of the Caribbean 2: Dead Man’s Chest.”

Looking to maximize the profits, which should be huge, given the all-star cast of adult contract stars like Jesse Jane, Belladonna and Katsuni, Digital Playground has partnered up with MTI Home Video to release an R-rated version on standard DVD and Blu-Ray.

This marks the first Blu-Ray release for MTI, and it’s a definite winner. The high-definition version of the film is gorgeous.

As an R-rated, pirate-themed action movie with tons of over-the-top computer-generated effects, “Pirates II: Stagnetti’s Revenge” works. It’s as good as, if not better, than most Sci-Fi Channel original movies. The special effects are comparable. It has way hotter stars. And for adult entertainers, no one really embarrasses themselves by talking more and screwing less in the tamed-down R version.

Evan Stone, in particular, stands out as Capt. Edward Reynolds. He has the comic timing and rubber-faced expressions of Bruce Campbell, which is a pleasant surprise.

As soft-core erotica, the R-rated version starts out pretty tame, but eventually heats up with several quality scenes that resemble a Friday night Cinemax feature. Much like the original “Pirates,” however, it takes way too long to get to any substantial coupling.

Even pressing the “Next” button on the remote to zip to the next chapter didn’t turn up as many bare boobs as I expected. But it did eventually get me to a few choice scenes, even if they were watered down and camera blocked just so to keep the actors’ bits hidden.

And that’s ultimately the thing – you still know you’re watching an adult movie. You keep waiting for, and wanting to see, some hot pirate action. And when it happens, it’s pretty frustrating.

I’m not sure how many people would rather own an R-rated version of a film that they can just as easily buy XXX-rated and get the same story, same CGI-effects and plenty of unedited hardcore steaminess with some of the most popular starlets in porn.

But for those of you out there, this movie is for you.

The Stuff You Care About:
Hot chicks – Jesse Jane, Shay Jordan, Sasha Grey, the list goes on.
Nudity – Yes, ample.
Gore – No.
Drug use – No.
Bad Guys/Killers – Pirates, aarrgh. And a giant CGI squid.
Buy/Rent – Worth a look as an R-rated feature, but you may want to get the X-rated version to see all the good stuff.
Blu-Ray Bonus Features – Interesting mix with audio commentary by several of the stars; deleted scenes; bloopers; footage from Pirates I at the Adult Video News awards; and a making-of documentary about the special effects.
Release Date – Feb. 24, 2009