John Allman

If you’ve ever wandered the aisles at the video store or surfed the DVR pay-per-view options and seen a bunch of movies that you’ve never heard of, chances are John has watched them. Why? He loves movies. All kinds of movies. Good, bad, so-bad-they’re good, even the truly unwatchable ones. He mostly loves horror and science-fiction and drive-in exploitation movies that most upstanding model citizens wouldn’t dare watch. Then he writes up his thoughts so you can decide - watch, don’t watch or avoid at all costs. Sometimes he even gets to talk to the cool folks who make some of your favorite films.

 Blood, Violence and Babes
 John Allman

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Orphan

Posted Nov 11, 2009 by John Allman

Updated Nov 11, 2009 at 08:03 PM

Orphan
Genre: Horror/Bad Seed
Directed by: Jaume Collet-Serra
Run time: 123 minutes
Rating: R
Format: Blu-Ray

The Lowdown: From “The Bad Seed” to “The Good Son,” evil children have been a mainstay of horror for decades.

Some incarnations are truly scary, such “The Children,” a recent Ghost House Underground release, or the 1978 cult classic “Who Can Kill a Child?”

Others, like “Children of the Corn” or “Village of the Damned,” not so much.

“Orphan,” the latest genre offering from Jaume Collet-Serra, the *cough cough* mastermind behind the tepid “House of Wax” remake, tries mightily to bring something different to the game.

And granted, the big twist would have been a worthy payoff if 1) it wasn’t so rushed and 2) the creative forces had the stones to go really dark and end it appropriately.

When I say the twist is rushed, I’m not kidding. Collet-Serra packs so much information in the final 20 minutes that it’s like watching an entire movie on Red Bull. The big reveal is accelerated to the point of ridiculousness with a random phone call arriving just in the nick of time to allow the heroine to act heroic.

That sucks because I really liked the unexpected explanation offered and the one good scene where the reveal sinks in is truly chilling.

Unfortunately, too much of “Orphan” plays off the same clichéd evil child axioms: There’s the requisite tragedy that sets the stage for an adoption. The adopted daughter, Esther, is insufferably creepy to the point that no sane person would willingly take her into their home. The parents’ concern for their other children borders on nonexistent. One parent turns on the other way too easily, siding with the child he hardly knows. And the obligatory scenes where the other children are menaced plays like a greatest hits of previous killer kid cuts.

It’s worth a rental on a slow night, but only if you keep your expectations low.

The Stuff You Care About:
Hot chicks – Vera Farmiga, hot or not? Discuss.
Nudity – No.
Gore – Mild.
Drug use – No.
Bad Guys/Killers – Evil kid alert.
Buy/Rent – Rent it.
Blu-Ray Bonus Features – Exclusive feature: “Mama’s Little Devils: Bad Seeds and Evil Children.” Additional features: Deleted scenes, including a glad-they-cut-it “chilling” alternate ending.
On the Web – http://orphan-movie.warnerbros.com/
Release Date – Oct. 27, 2009