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John Allman

If you’ve ever wandered the aisles at the video store or surfed the DVR pay-per-view options and seen a bunch of movies that you’ve never heard of, chances are John has watched them. Why? He loves movies. All kinds of movies. Good, bad, so-bad-they’re good, even the truly unwatchable ones. He mostly loves horror and science-fiction and drive-in exploitation movies that most upstanding model citizens wouldn’t dare watch. Then he writes up his thoughts so you can decide - watch, don’t watch or avoid at all costs. Sometimes he even gets to talk to the cool folks who make some of your favorite films.

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New Releases for Tuesday, Nov. 22, 2011

Posted Nov 22, 2011 by John Allman

Updated Nov 22, 2011 at 08:10 AM

What’s new in stores and on video shelves this week:

Conan the Barbarian
Genre: Action/Remake
Directed by: Marcus Nispel
Run time: 113 minutes
Rating: R
Format: Blu-Ray

The Lowdown: Here’s everything you need to know if someone asks whether the 2011 remake of “Conan the Barbarian” is even half as good as the 1982 original.

This is Conan, in 2011, describing what makes life worth living: “I live, I love, I slay, and I am content.”

And this is Conan, in 1982, describing what is best in life: “To crush your enemies, see them driven before you and to hear the lamentation of their women.”

Yep, that’s right, director Marcus Nispel and his trio of writers, who should not be named for fear they will be hunted down and piked by longtime fans (like me) of Robert E. Howard’s Cimmerian warrior, have gone and turned Conan the Barbarian into a metrosexual softie.

He grunts and grumbles like an uneducated barbarian ox, but when it comes to battle, he’s yelling “Run! Run!” and smiling and making jokes, when it comes to women he’s got game but nothng like you’d expect and he’s just not nearly as cool as the character conceived in the early 1980s by director John Milius and actor Arnold Schwarzenegger.

How thoroughly disappointing because Nispel’s production team actually did create some interesting, creatively cool sets and backdrops to make the most of the mystical Hyborian Age. There are awesome mountains that resemble skulls, desolate valleys filled with giant skeletal bones, imposing war carriages hoisted by minions and more.

But deep down, what 2011 Conan is missing is something that can’t be replicated in this new age of opening weekend gross, front-end profit and marketing surveys: The grit is gone.

Schwarzenegger played Conan like a wild beast, a barely-tamed feral cat who could and might attack at any moment. He wasn’t pretty like Jason Momoa. He cleaved off limbs, punched camels, had sex with witches that he then threw into fireplaces, tangled with a giant pet snake that looked real and provided genuine menace. He also almost died and was rendered vulnerable, having to rely on a wizard to heal his wounds from the Tree of Woe and give him the strength to avenge his barbarian warrior bride-to-be Valeria.

The 1982 “Conan the Barbarian” was epic. I remember sitting in the theater, my skull tingling with anticipation. My poor father sitting next to me, my ticket into the hard R-feature. For more than two hours, I didn’t move or speak, just sat in awe, soaking each sword fight, every fantastic adventure into my brain. Back then we didn’t have Google. I had seen few photos from the production, maybe a trailer if I was lucky. I knew I had to preserve it in my memory banks.

The 2011 “Conan the Barbarian” is limp, by comparison.

It tries mightily, but too much of it tries to compensate for its shortfalls by replacing good storytelling with visual pizzazz. Nispel, who has made a couple of decent remakes (The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Friday the 13th), just can’t get it right here. He struggles with the character and how hard to make Conan, opting finally to try to straddle the fence between sensitive warrior and brutal barbarian and that proves to be a fatal flaw.

Even the bad guys aren’t as memorable. Stephen Lang is now being typecast after “Avatar,” and you never once believe him as Khalar Zym, the most ruthless, power-mad king to ever rule. He’s a far cry from James Earl Jones’ Thulsa Doom, a sorcerer so wicked he would lure virgins to their doom by making them leap into the pit of his giant snake as a sacrifice and he would host orgies where everyone was intoxicated on a brew made from body parts and blood. Now that’s evil.

Rachel Nichols, who has done an OK job in big-budget summer movies like “Stark Trek” and “G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra,” looks lost as Tamara, the last of an ancient bloodline, who can help summon an evil god. She comes off like a valley girl who somehow teleported back in time and suddenly has to fight for her life. She ain’t Sandahl Bergman, that’s for sure, long, lean and muscular and looking like she could easily kick butt.

The only person who appears to be having any fun is Rose McGowan, playing the evil sorceress Marique, with a half-shaved, tattooed head, long metal finger blades and a thirst to kill. I loved her character, even if she’s given too little to do, but the scene where she tries to sex up her father, Khalar Zym, provides a hint of what might have been if Nispel & Co. had taken off the blinders, removed the governor from the engine and gone for it, making the kind of twisted, bloody barbarian epic that Conan fans deserve.

The Stuff You Care About:
Hot chicks – Rose McGowan, evil skanky sorceress hot.
Nudity – Yes.
Gore – Lots of blood spray.
Drug use – No.
Bad Guys/Killers – Khalar Zym, crazy warlord dude, and his evil skank witch daughter Marique.
Buy/Rent – Rent it.
Blu-Ray Bonus Features – Audio commentaries with both the director and cast; multiple featurettes, but none longer than 18 minutes, too slight to properly sum up the life and work of Robert E. Howard or the impact of his greatest creation.
On the Web – http://www.conanthebarbarianin3d.com/

The Devil’s Double (Lionsgate, 109 minutes, R, Blu-Ray): Dominic Cooper gives a tour-de-force performance as Uday Saddam Hussein in “The Devil’s Double,” an unsettling and riveting look behind the palace doors of life in Iraq in the 1980s from director Lee Tamahori. Cooper also gives a tour-de-force performance as Latif Yahia, an Iraqi Army lieutenant who unfortunately happens to look a whole lot like Uday, so much so that the two men could be twin brothers. That this is based on a true story gives “Double” an air of excitement – how crazy must it have been to be forced to become one of the most hated men in an entire country? Uday Hussein was known as the “Black Prince,” a man so despicable that he would take any woman he wanted, regardless of age, and brutalize her before having her body discarded in the desert like trash. The true story angle also adds an element of mystery, particularly in the film’s third act, when Latif decides to break from Uday despite the potentially deadly consequences. You’re never quite sure what might happen, and that’s a pretty strong narrative device to have on your side. “The Devil’s Double” isn’t an award-winning film in its own right, but it’s a damn good film. However, Cooper’s performance as both Uday and Latif is deserving of recognition and awards, and I wouldn’t be surprised to see his name mentioned come Oscar time next year.

Carjacked (Anchor Bay, 89 minutes, R, Blu-Ray): Stephen Dorff and Maria Bello are both fine actors. They have sustained long careers by balancing a handful of A-list roles with solid work in both television and B-grade action movies. Pairing them up makes total sense. But the heavy-handed push to make Bello’s character a vulnerable, hot mess is so smothering, and told through flashbacks, that it effectively stunts her character growth, limiting the power of her story arc from wimpy and berated military wife to mama bear protecting her cub ferocity.

Also Available:

Doctor Who: The Complete Sixth Series – Or, the season where the Doctor, Amy Pond and Rory come to the United States, help Nixon and discover the truth about Riversong. Thematically darker than previous seasons and rich with ominous storytelling arcs, the sixth series of “Doctor Who” isn’t quite on par with the best of the David Tennant years, but it’s really good and better than 99.9% of the shows on American cable.

Helldriver – This is a must-see for fans of “The Machine Girl,” one of my all-time favorite Japanese gore-and-splatterfests, and “Tokyo Gore Police,” two of the previous efforts from director Yoshihiro Nishimura. Here, Nishimura conjures up another fantastical vision stuffed with zombies, hot babes in schoolgirl outfits and lots and lots and lots of blood. You don’t go into a Nishimura film expecting a coherent story, character development or restraint, and thankfully he doesn’t deviate much from what has worked so well in the past. Few American directors could ever match his zest and zeal for gore, and it’s safe to say no other director from any other country or continent is making movies quite like this one right now.

The Adventures of Tintin: Season One – See how the worldwide phenomenon began with the animated adventures, including “The Secret of the Unicorn,” which plays a prominent role in the big-screen, big-budget Christmas release coming from Steven Spielberg and Peter Jackson.

Action Double Feature: The Nickel Ride and 99 and 44/100% Dead – Exactly how does one come to be 99 and 44/100% dead?

Perry Mason: Season Six, Volume 2 – I wonder what Robert Ironside would have thought after Perry Mason successfully defended a perp he had arrested?

Trigger – A female, rock and roll version of “My Dinner with Andre.”

Spy Kids 4: All the Time in the World – Thankfully, the Blu-Ray doesn’t come with Smell-O-Vision. Now if only we could employ Change-O-Vision and suddenly be watching “Sin City 2.” Hear that Rodriguez? That’s right, I thought you did.

Conan the Adventurer, Season Two Part One – Trust me, an animated Conan the Barbarian from the early 1990s hues closer to Robert E. Howard’s original vision than most of the 2011 remake.

Sarah’s Key – Kristen Scott Thomas is such an incredible actress, she performs in awesome foreign language films and speaks the language. Seriously, watch this and “Tell No One” and you will see exactly what I mean.