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John Allman

If you’ve ever wandered the aisles at the video store or surfed the DVR pay-per-view options and seen a bunch of movies that you’ve never heard of, chances are John has watched them. Why? He loves movies. All kinds of movies. Good, bad, so-bad-they’re good, even the truly unwatchable ones. He mostly loves horror and science-fiction and drive-in exploitation movies that most upstanding model citizens wouldn’t dare watch. Then he writes up his thoughts so you can decide - watch, don’t watch or avoid at all costs. Sometimes he even gets to talk to the cool folks who make some of your favorite films.

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John Allman

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New Releases for Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Posted Mar 17, 2010 by John Allman

Updated Mar 17, 2010 at 09:14 PM

Here’s a look at what’s new in stores and on video shelves this week:

Ninja Assassin (Warner Bros., 99 minutes, R, Blu-Ray and DVD): This movie rocks.

Like a Chinese throwing star to the face, “Ninja Assassin,” the criminally overlooked Thanksgiving release, which re-teams the Wachowski Brothers with director James McTeigue, sets the stage immediately with an impressive and bloody as hell ninja attack that slices faces and limbs with gory glee.
The carnage that follows includes some mind-blowing stuntwork and CGI-enhanced battle scenes as a lone-wolf warrior named Raizo, once primed to be a master ninja, seeks retribution against his ancient former clan of ninja peers and their trainer, who killed the only girl he loved.

Contrived? You bet it is, and you won’t care for one second.

This is B-movie popcorn goodness at its finest. And after a far too long dormant period, it returns the ninja movie to greatness, resurrecting and then obliterating the memory of those wonderfully cheesy Golan-Globus ninja movies from the 1980s.

Rain, a Korean pop star, is all rippling abs and stoic glare as Raizo. When he speaks, don’t listen. Just watch him kick some serious butt, taking more punishment than 10 John McClain’s and still coming back for more.

The special effects are indeed special, and McTeigue’s camerawork nimbly maneuvers the shadows where all good ninjas dwell before exploding into the light with whirling limbs and a seriously sick slashing knife on a chain that lops off heads, arms, fingers, hands and legs with ease.

Send the wife or girlfriend out for the night, call up the guys and pop open a beer. This is the movie you’ve been waiting for to satisfy that gory action fix.

The Stuff You Care About:
Hot chicks – There aren’t any hot female ninjas.
Nudity – No.
Gore – What it lacks in babes, it more than makes up for in gushing blood.
Drug use – No.
Bad Guys/Killers – Ninjas. ‘Nuff said.
Buy/Rent – Buy it.
Blu-Ray Bonus Features – Exclusive: Three featurettes, including “The Myth and Legend of Ninjas,” “The Extreme Sport of a Ninja” and “Training Rain”; additional footage; exclusive sneak peek of Warner Bros’ 3D remake of “Clash of the Titans.”
On the Web – http://ninja-assassin-movie.warnerbros.com/dvd/

The Fourth Kind (Universal, 98 minutes, PG-13, Blu-Ray and DVD): This supposedly “based on a true story” alien abduction thriller suffers not from its abundantly silly execution, which mixes fictional re-enactments with “real” footage, but from its inability to embrace its horror inclinations and go for the throat. The choice by director Olatunde Osunsanmi to pair the two visuals side by side only reinforces that the “real” footage – supposed videotaped therapy sessions where hypnotized patients experience paranormal sensations – is fake as hell. They also showed the best parts in the trailer, which is a shame. Milla Jovovich continues to impress as one of the most dependable B-movie genre stars working today. This isn’t nearly as good as “A Perfect Getaway,” but it’s a solid rental.

Armored (Sony, 88 minutes, PG-13, Blu-Ray and DVD): I don’t know what’s more disconcerting – that director Nimrod Antal holds the future of the Predator franchise in his hands (Robert Rodriguez’s Predators is his next feature) or that this supposed action extravaganza is simply so-so and lacking much excitement. “Armored” plays like a watered-down armored car version of “Reservoir Dogs.” It largely takes places in an abandoned refinery, subbing for the abandoned warehouse in Quentin Tarantino’s standout debut. It features a rogue’s gallery of veteran genre actors (Matt Dillon, Laurence Fishburne, Jean Reno and Skeet Ulrich) playing tough guys who don’t trust one another. And it features a cop taken hostage who, thankfully, doesn’t lose an ear. The “action” mainly consists of two armored car chases, neither of which is well-staged. And the ending is too abrupt.
I’m willing to chalk this one up to its PG-13 rating and hold out hope that Antal’s “Predators” is bloody and far better.

Astro Boy (Summit Entertainment, 94 minutes, PG, DVD): The popular Japanese manga, first introduced in 1952, gets a somewhat Americanized makeover in his big-screen animated debut. Nicholas Cage and Charlize Theron lend their vocal talents and star power.

Bandslam (Summit Entertainment, 111 minutes, PG, DVD): Poor Lisa Kudrow. She’s one of the most criminally underrated actresses working today (Am I the only one who thought she was sexy as hell in the woeful John Travolta feature ‘Lucky Numbers’?) but she has never found a solid mainstream following. Here she shepherds a young cast of possibly rising stars, including Vanessa Hudgens, who try to realize their dream of creating a popular rock band.

Unrivaled (Lionsgate, 108 minutes, Unrated, Blu-Ray and DVD): The glut of MMA-starring, low-budget action-fests continues with “Unrivaled,” which features such popular mixed-martial arts fighters as Keith Jardine and Rashad Evans.

Breaking Bad: Seasons 1 and 2 (Sony, 961 minutes, Unrated, Blu-Ray and DVD): A star turn by Bryan “Malcolm in the Middle” Cranston completely energizes this critically-acclaimed series about a suburban everyman who learns he has terminal cancer and decides to start making methamphetamine to provide for his family’s future after he’s gone. If you haven’t seen it, check out Seasons 1 and 2, which are presented here in high-definition with plenty of extra goodies.

Did You Hear About the Morgans? (Sony, 103 minutes, PG-13, Blu-Ray and DVD): Poor Hugh Grant. How far the once white-hot British heartthrob has fallen. Here he stars with Sarah Jessica Parker (Am I the only one who doesn’t find her attractive in the least?) in a tale of a bickering married New York couple who must enter the witness protection program and move to Wyoming.

Broken Embraces (Sony, 127 minutes, R, Blu-Ray and DVD): Spanish director Pedro Almodóvar continues his streak of thought-provoking dramas and he continues his professional love affair with actress Penelope Cruz, his oft-leading lady and creative muse. This time, Almodovar tells the tale of a blind writer looking back on a life spent living two very different personas.