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John Allman

If you’ve ever wandered the aisles at the video store or surfed the DVR pay-per-view options and seen a bunch of movies that you’ve never heard of, chances are John has watched them. Why? He loves movies. All kinds of movies. Good, bad, so-bad-they’re good, even the truly unwatchable ones. He mostly loves horror and science-fiction and drive-in exploitation movies that most upstanding model citizens wouldn’t dare watch. Then he writes up his thoughts so you can decide - watch, don’t watch or avoid at all costs. Sometimes he even gets to talk to the cool folks who make some of your favorite films.

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John Allman

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New Releases for Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Posted Jun 3, 2010 by John Allman

Updated Jun 3, 2010 at 06:21 AM

What’s new in stores and on video shelves this week:

Bare Knuckles
Genre: Action/MMA
Directed by: Eric Etebari
Run time: 95 minutes
Rating: PG-13
Format: DVD

The Lowdown: The only reason, and I do mean the only reason, to rent “Bare Knuckles” is to watch the great Martin Kove smirk his way through this lightweight, based on true events, tale of a female bartender who is plucked by a disgraced fight trainer to compete in a secret, underground women’s fight club.

Kove is a longtime character actor whose film credits include a slew of direct-to-DVD titles, bad sequels and “Rambo: First Blood Part II.” But he will forever be remembered in filmdom as John Kreese, the evil sensei of the Cobra Kai dojo, who famously told his best fighter, Johnny (the equally great William Zabka), to “sweep the leg.”

Here’s what I don’t get about these MMA-themed fighting films, which seem to be all the rage on the straight to video market right now.

One – Do people really believe that this many underground fight competitions exist and that there are really this many evil millionaires salivating to pluck down tens of thousands of dollars to watch two people try to destroy one another?

Two – If these competitions do exist, wouldn’t it stand to reason that at least one fighter who got the snot beat out of her might bleed from the mouth or nose after being pummeled?

Three – Would an evil millionaire really pay that much money to watch an essentially bloodless, bare knuckle battle? Isn’t that the implied thrill of such fights, the potential for one fighter to get seriously, severely hurt?

Four – If that’s the desired end result, total annihilation, why would you make a movie that’s about underground fight clubs that’s PG-13 starring hot chicks who never show any skin or break a sweat?

Bonus question for extra credit – Are all former washed-up fight trainers really just misunderstood good guys with hearts of gold who simply need to be nurtured and coddled to understand the error of their ways?

As great as it is to see the wonderful former catfighter and professional wrestler Spice Williams-Crosby on screen again, and despite the allure of possibly getting to watch a female fight flick that’s actually good, “Bare Knuckles” ultimately disappoints on every level. The fighting isn’t very good, the female fighters are poorly fleshed-out stereotypes who are given minimal backgrounds to make you care about them and the final bout is about as tense as that history test you didn’t study for in eighth grade but were pleasantly surprised to discover you knew the answers to all the questions anyway.

Save your money and go rent a Cat Sassoon DVD instead. I recommend “Bloodfist IV: Die Trying.” She’s way hotter, may she rest in peace, and the fights are actually good.

The Stuff You Care About:
Hot chicks – Yes.
Nudity – No.
Gore – No.
Drug use – No.
Bad Guys/Killers – Go figure, it’s a Mandylor brother. This time, it’s Louis, not Costas. Same chin, same acting ability.
Buy/Rent – Neither.

UFC: Rampage Greatest Hits (Anchor Bay, 133 minutes, Unrated, DVD): The Ultimate Fighting Championship compiles some of the best bouts featuring Quinton “Rampage” Jackson from his match-ups in PRIDE and UFC. Jackson is a tremendous force as an MMA fighter, and this solid compilation is timed to coincide with the release of his big-screen debut in the anticipated summer blockbuster, “The A-Team,” where he steps into the iconic role of Bosco “B.A.” Baracus.

Wild Things: Foursome (Sony, 92 minutes, Unrated, Blu-Ray): The twists come fast and furious in this, the improbable third sequel to the moderate 1998 hit that got more mileage out of a much-hyped three-way between Denise Richards, Neve Campbell and Matt Dillon than it did its convoluted, pulp noir-light plot. “Wild Things: Foursome” goes one better, capitalizing on its unrated edition to spotlight a long, gratuitous, ahem, foursome scene in the shower that makes up for its giggle-worthy non-sex by unabashedly having young, nubile actresses keep randomly appearing and disrobing until the shower is overpacked with a gaggle of hot chicks and one lucky actor getting to make-out and kiss but little else. Much like its original inspiration, “Foursome” piles on the double-crosses until literally every major character has met his or her maker by the movie’s end. Then, in an ode to the first film, flashbacks are utilized during the closing credits to reveal the behind-the-scenes machinations that set the entire endeavor in motion. One final twist is saved for the final frame, and it’s a decent one, if only because it re-introduces a character you’ve long since forgotten about, who seemingly had a major role that was never shown. Tawdry and silly and about as erotic as a late-night Cinemax parody of some current horror movie (That’s right “Cleavagefield,” I’m talking about you), “Wild Things: Foursome” is not nearly as terrible as it deserves to be. And, God help me for typing these words, John “The Dukes of Hazzard” Schneider is actually decent as the Miami-area detective who cracks the case.

Ghost Hunters International - Season One: Part 1 (Image, 8 hours, Unrated, DVD): This three-disc set includes 11 episodes of the SyFy Channel’s spinoff series, “Ghost Hunters International,” from its long-running hit “Ghost Hunters” show. The formula remains the same as the stateside version – a team of paranormal investigators explore some creepy, remote, history-filled locales and set up surveillance and other modern technology to try to capture something cool on film. The only difference is that this group of investigators romp around the English countryside, explore a Scottish orphanage and get their hackles raised at a German castle. This show is like fast food, but it’s comforting fast food. It doesn’t fill you up, but it’s a decent time killer.

Drop Dead Diva: The Complete First Season (Sony, 567 minutes, Unrated, DVD): All 13 episodes of this surprising Lifetime cable network series are included here. “Drop Dead Diva” has a premise that is basic “The Twilight Zone,” but somehow manages to use its solid character actors to reveal a show with heart about a superficial model who is killed in a car crash and reincarnated in the body of a plus-size lawyer only to be forced to struggle to understand and appreciate the true meaning of inner beauty.

The Stranger (Anchor Bay, 90 minutes, R, Blu-Ray): Steve “Stone Cold” Austin continues his lousy streak of bad action movies with “The Stranger,” a film that is so convoluted that it makes your ordinary, direct-to-DVD Steven Seagal chop-socky actioner seem practically brilliant. Austin plays a man with no memory and the ability to create alter-egos complete with skills and knowledge he shouldn’t otherwise have, like how to operate a motorcycle and evade cops in a high-speed pursuit. Austin’s character was muscle for a Russian mobster who struck a deal for his family’s protection with the FBI if he turned informant. Things go poorly – surprise! – and years later, Austin is still on the run, struggling to understand the flashes of memory where he recalls his wife and child being killed. The action is weak, the acting is terrible and the twists are groan-worthy. Here’s hoping his role in Sylvester Stallone’s ode to 80s action excess, “The Expendables,” opens different career doors or at least delivers the former professional wrestling champ some better scripts.

Undisputed III: Redemption (New Line, 96 minutes, R, Blu-Ray): Another direct-to-DVD MMA-themed action flick. I’m not even going to bother with the synopsis. Here’s what you need to know: MMA fighters make terrible actors. But if you like renting the Pay-Per-Views and you’re a sucker for some mediocre fight choreography, then the third installment of the “Undisputed” series won’t disappoint.

Bad Boys (Sony, 119 minutes, R, Blu-Ray): Brash, loud and bombastic, the first “Bad Boys” film featuring Will Smith and Martin Lawrence remains a terrifically guilty pleasure. Lots of stuff blows up. A ludicrous subplot involving mistaken identities is played well past the point of being funny. Paraplegics in wheelchairs are placed in harm’s way (Seriously, watch any Michael Bay film and he somehow manages to have a guy in a wheelchair face certain doom. It’s like his fetish, his version of John Woo’s white doves). But the chemistry between Smith and Lawrence is undeniable. And the action scenes, particularly the final firefight and an exhilarating climatic car chase, more than make up for the random silliness. It’s about time Hollywood released this 1995 blockbuster on Blu-Ray. Rumors are flying about a possible third entry into the franchise and I, for one, say bring it on.

Also released this week (Reviews coming soon):

The Wolfman (Universal, 119 minutes, R, Blu-Ray)

Alice in Wonderland (Disney, 108 minutes, PG, Blu-Ray)