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John Allman

If you’ve ever wandered the aisles at the video store or surfed the DVR pay-per-view options and seen a bunch of movies that you’ve never heard of, chances are John has watched them. Why? He loves movies. All kinds of movies. Good, bad, so-bad-they’re good, even the truly unwatchable ones. He mostly loves horror and science-fiction and drive-in exploitation movies that most upstanding model citizens wouldn’t dare watch. Then he writes up his thoughts so you can decide - watch, don’t watch or avoid at all costs. Sometimes he even gets to talk to the cool folks who make some of your favorite films.

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New Releases for Tuesday, Feb. 9, 2010

Posted Feb 9, 2010 by John Allman

Updated Feb 22, 2010 at 08:38 PM

Here’s a look at what’s new in stores and on video store shelves, both Blockbuster and Netflix, plus what new High-Definition re-issues are coming out:

The Stepfather (Sony, 102 minutes, Unrated, Blu-Ray and DVD): This tepid, toothless remake of the 1987 cult classic waters down everything that the first film did right.

This is yet another PG-13 reboot of a formerly hard-R classic, and it suffers significantly in its attempt to pander to a wider audience, ie dumb teen-agers who will gladly fork over $10 for crap just to escape their parent’s house and possibly score some heavy petting with the girlfriend.

Don’t be fooled by the “Unrated Director’s Cut.” This puppy doesn’t gain any blood, skin or bad taste by pretending to lose the PG-13 label. It’s just awful, regardless of its rating.

Dylan Walsh, best known for his role as Dr. Sean McNamara on FX’s “nip/tuck,” tries to fill O’Quinn’s shoes. Walsh has been around awhile - bad B-moviephiles will remember him from 1995’s woeful “Congo” – but he’s no Terry O’Quinn and his acting range doesn’t transition as well as O’Quinn’s did to menacing evil.

Walsh is about as intimidating as dandruff, and his portrayal of David Harris (changed from the original’s Jerry Blake) is cartoonish and utterly unconvincing. Walsh snaps too quickly, always seems to be staring too intently and gives multiple tequila shots to his new stepson too easily to seem even remotely responsible.

Director Nelson McCormick is a TV veteran as well, having only recently helmed the theatrical “Prom Night,” also a remake of a much-better 1980s slasher pic. The writer on “Prom Night” was J.S. Cardone, who also scripted this “Stepfather” remake. For those who need further evidence of his inability to write anything worthwhile, see “The Covenant.”

Cardone and McCormick combine forces to create a longform emo music video that wastes too much time focusing on the brooding, military school badboy son of Walsh’s next victim. The son is played by Penn Badgley, best known on the CW’s “Gossip Girl,” whose acting ability is relegated to pursed lips and woe-is-me pouting glances.

Other notable TV stars in the cast – Sela Ward, sleepwalking through the role of Badgley’s mother, and the once hot Sherry Stringfield of “ER,” who plays Ward’s sister’s lesbian lover.

Couples Retreat (Universal): It’s not terrible, but it’s not terribly original either, or incredibly funny. Vince Vaughn does his thing, which is smart-acre wisecracks. Jon Favreau does his thing, which has increasingly become playing loutish brutes, a near-180 from his breakout role in “Swingers.” Jason Bateman does his thing, which is geeky cuckhold. Oh yeah, there are some female leads too, but none are really allowed to shine outside of Malin Akerman, who transitions nicely from “Watchmen” to an adult-oriented comedy. This one is worth a rent, but keep your expectations low.

Bronson (Magnolia): One of the Six-Shooter Film Series, this violent, vibrant portrait of a career criminal, based on a true story, is electrifying and fresh. “Bronson” is unique and original, laced with edgy wit and gory bravado. This is one to seek out.

Heist (Echo Bridge): A bank heist thriller featuring a cast of relative unknowns that doesn’t deviate from familiar themes.

Army Wives – The Complete Third Season (Disney): The third season follows families coping with relationships strained by their commitment to the U.S. Military.

Gary Unmarried – The Complete First Season (Disney): Jay Mohr stars as a divorcee trying to find his way back in the dating world. Somebody please give this guy a series with the same bite as his failed Fox sitcom “Action!”

Dante’s Inferno (Anchor Bay): This animated “epic” is basically one long promotional commercial for EA/Visceral Games latest role-playing videogame of the same name. The hook is that multiple artists were recruited to create different visions of Dante’s classic meditation on the Underworld and all the horrors that await the wicked.

The Time Traveler’s Wife (Warner Bros.): It’s a sci-fi love story as Eric Bana and Rachel McAdams (love you!) star as time-crossed soulmates fighting fate and wormholes in an effort to hold on to true love.

A Serious Man (Universal): The Coen Brothers, Joel and Ethan, go back to their roots, mining dark humor and their Jewish upbringing, to tell the story of a physics professor disenchanted with his life who sets out to make sense of it all.

SGU 1.0: Stargate Universe Season 1 (MGM): The latest Stargate series gets gritty and raw, a la Battlestar Galactica, as it jettisons a group of scientists, civilians and soldiers through the gate onto an ancient ship far from Earth. Robert Carlyle and Lou Diamond Phillips topline.

Serious Moonlight (Magnolia): Meg Ryan goes dark (and funny) in this edgy, alternative rom-com where kidnapping and mental torture are the quickest way to a straying husband’s heart. With Timothy Hutton and Kristen Bell.

High-Definition Re-issues:

The Running Man (Lionsgate): Probably not what author Stephen King envisioned, this is the future as told through the eyes of Arnold Schwarzenegger as he battles the ultimate reality show in a cartoonish struggle to survive and win his freedom.

Hard Rain (Lionsgate): Also known as, Christian Slater’s return to the well, which had run dry. Following his stellar action-turn in “Broken Arrow,” Slater tried to catch lightning twice as an armored car driver trying to save his town from a gang of thieves trying to steal millions during an improbably bad thunderstorm.

The Phantom (Lionsgate): God love you, Billy Zane. As The Phantom, the serial superhero of yesteryear, Zane dons the tights for this above-average comic book flick that is most notable for its introduction of Catherine Zeta Jones.

Drop Zone (Lionsgate): Remember when Wesley Snipes was a movie star? Yeah, me either. But this so-so action thriller had the misfortune of coming out at the same time as Charlie Sheen’s skydiving heist picture “Terminal Velocity.” Don’t remember either of them? You’re not alone.