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John Allman

If you’ve ever wandered the aisles at the video store or surfed the DVR pay-per-view options and seen a bunch of movies that you’ve never heard of, chances are John has watched them. Why? He loves movies. All kinds of movies. Good, bad, so-bad-they’re good, even the truly unwatchable ones. He mostly loves horror and science-fiction and drive-in exploitation movies that most upstanding model citizens wouldn’t dare watch. Then he writes up his thoughts so you can decide - watch, don’t watch or avoid at all costs. Sometimes he even gets to talk to the cool folks who make some of your favorite films.

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John Allman

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New Releases for Tuesday, Aug. 16, 2011

Posted Aug 20, 2011 by John Allman

Updated Aug 20, 2011 at 07:19 PM

What’s new in stores and on video shelves this week:

Priest
Genre: Horror/Action
Directed by: Scott Stewart
Run time: 87 minutes
Rating: Unrated
Format: Blu-Ray

The Lowdown: So, right out of the gate, let’s get this out of the way. Allow me to address the big pink elephant that everyone probably thought of as soon as the first trailer appeared for director Scott Stewart’s “Priest.”

It’s not “Legion.” It doesn’t suck. And the best bits aren’t strung together in the trailer.

That said, “Priest” is an enjoyable apocalyptic vampire romp that ultimately throws a bunch of genres into a bag and shakes them up. Nothing is particularly original. And DO NOT believe the media blurb on the cover that calls this the most original vampire tale ever made. Hardly.

But “Priest” has its moments, most of them cobbled from other, better films. And the cast seems to have fun – Paul Bettany is solid as the title character, Maggie Q is dependable as the lone butt-kicking female clergy, Christopher Plummer has fun slumming as the head Monsignor, Cam Gigandet continues to underwhelm but he isn’t nearly as annoying here as in other films and Karl Urban plays a campy, vampire version of The Man with No Name from Sergio Leone’s spaghetti western trilogy.

The one actor you wish you saw more of is Stephen Moyer, vampire Bill Compton from “True Blood,” who plays Bettany’s brother. He isn’t on screen long enough at all.

The basic story is based off the Korean comic of the same name, but much of the comic’s plot has been jettisoned in favor of a rather paint-by-numbers combination of wild west cliches and underground cave-dwelling creature fest, a la “The Descent.”

Essentially, as you’re told in a nifty animated opening sequence that looks eerily reminiscent of Aeon Flux, vampires and humans have always co-existed in a constant state of war. It was only until the planet had been ravaged that someone figured out that salvation rested with a group of super soldiers, or priests, who were empowered by God to beat back the beasts. The vamps were finally corralled and placed in containment camps, the priests were disbanded and the church basically locked all surviving people in walled cities surrounded by desolate outposts called the Wasteland.

But one particular priest, Urban, somehow got turned into a living human vampire by the queen vamp, and he decides that it’s time to exact revenge on the remaining human cities. And he’s got a score to settle with Bettany.

The vamps are almost entirely rendered in CGI. They’re an interesting creation – blind, vicious, four-legged monsters with giant mouths and razor teeth. But they aren’t particularly scary. And they rely on human hosts, half-turned albino Renfields, to care for their affairs during the daylight hours.

There are several major set pieces that either take place underground in dark, damp caverns where the vamps sleep, or on a CGI train rumbling through the Wasteland, hurtling toward the main city.

Stewart capably handles the action scenes and the actors don’t look ridiculous throwing around crucifixes that turn into flying stars or shooting shotguns filled with blessed and holy bullets.

But there’s little urgency or tension, you never feel like much is truly at stake and there’s never any doubt that Bettany will prevail, even when he’s getting his butt kicked to high heaven (excuse the pun) by Urban in a totally one-sided fight that he should easily lose.

There’s a sappy subplot about a child and a lost love that is supposed to provide some emotional gravitas to the proceeding. It doesn’t, really. There’s also an ominous overtone about the tyrannical oppression of mass religion that could have been explored more deeply. In fact, the church becomes a non-entity pretty quickly. It would have been nice to see Bettany and Co. having to battle both God and the Vamps.

Bottom line – if you can ignore some cringe-worthy dialogue, a few silly one-liners and give in to the CGI orgy of excess, “Priest” isn’t a bad way to spend an hour and a half.

But this is strictly a rental. It’s not going to get many repeat viewings. There’s too many better films out there right now that deserve your hard-earned money.

The Stuff You Care About:
Hot chicks – Maggie Q, butt-kicking hot.
Nudity – No.
Gore – Vampire violence.
Drug use – No.
Bad Guys/Killers – Vampires and, go figure, the church.
Buy/Rent – Rent it.
Blu-Ray Bonus Features – Picture in Picture viewing mode, “Bullets and Crucifixes”; audio commentary with director and cast; two featurettes; deleted scenes; movieIQ; PS3 theme; game trailer for Twisted Metal with code for Priest car design.
On the Web – http://www.sonypictures.com/homevideo/priest/

Medium Raw: Night of the Wolf (Anchor Bay, 101 minutes, Unrated, DVD): Two years after wrapping production, dealing with the death of a supporting actor and premiering on Canadian television, Andrew Cymek’s feature-length debut comes to home video. Cymek tackles triple duty here as not only writer-director, but also lead actor. He should have thought twice. Cymek’s wooden performance, coupled with a muddled script that mixes a few good ideas with a lot of reheated clichés, derails “Medium Raw: Night of the Wolf” well before the inevitable third-act twists and swerves. The best part about this insane asylum chock full of serial killers, cannibals and seemingly supernatural monstrosities is the one-two punch of William B. Davies (The X-Files’ Cigarette Smoking Man) and Mercedes McNabb (Buffy the Vampire Slayer’s Harmony Kendall). The bittersweet part of “Medium Raw” is the appearance of Andrew “Test” Martin, the late WWE superstar who died in Tampa prior to the film’s release. Wrestling fans will appreciate the appearance of Jason “Christian Cage” Reso, a veteran of both WWE and TNA.

Also Available:

The Big Lebowski Limited Edition Digibook – The Dude already has several variations available, including the awesome Bowling Ball collector’s set. Here’s a hardback digibook for the obsessive fans out there.

Jane Eyre – Michael Fassbender is quickly becoming the 2011 equivalent of Samuel L. Jackson. The guy is in every other movie being released, it seems.

The Conspirator – Robert Redford tackles Lincoln but without vampires or Liam Neeson.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Complete Season 9 – Apparently there is a 10th season lurking out there, waiting to be released.

Hoodwinked Too! Hood vs. Evil – The title is clever.

Something Borrowed – I’m pretty sure there’s a lot borrowed in this patchwork collection of rom-com clichés.

The Bang Bang Club – Photojournalists try to survive being imbedded during war.

Dexter: The Fifth Season – We’re almost through Season 4, so nobody better spoil what’s ahead. Suffice to say, Dexter is one smooth cat who always manages to narrowly avoid being exposed. Showtime’s sixth season doesn’t start until October so we’ve got time to catch up. Can’t wait.

Meet Monica Velour – Kim Cattrall plays a former top porn star at the heart of this epic quest by a longtime, much younger, fan to meet her at a public appearance. What he finds is not what he expects. I once met Traci Lords. She was much shorter in person than you might think, but super nice and down to earth.

Outcasts: Season One – BBC continues to lead the way with captivating sci-fi series, and “Outcasts” is addictive as hell. It’s the story of what might happen when humans are forced to evacuate Earth in search of a new home planet to inhabit.
Highly recommended.

Muppets in Space and The Muppets Take Manhattan – Two wise high-def upgrades in lightof the upcoming big-screen return of Kermit, Miss Piggy and the Muppets crew.

Paranormal State: Season 5 – The only reason to watch this silly, un-scary reality spookshow is the hope that maybe Ryan Buell will get gut-punched by a ghost. Because, really, I would rather side with demons before taking orders from him or his second-rate crew of misfit psychics and paranormal investigators.

Elvira’s Movie Macabre: The Terror/Eagah! and The Brain That Wouldn’t Die/The Manster – The real treat here isn’t the Z-grade creature features that they unearth, but the sexy shtick featuring Elvira, still hot after all these years.

Breathe– Award-winning Korean film about a death row inmate and the woman he falls in love with.

Marley and Me: The Puppy Years – Yet another unwanted and unnecessary prequel. What’s next? “Old Yeller: Tales From Before They Had To Put Him Down”?