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John Allman

If you’ve ever wandered the aisles at the video store or surfed the DVR pay-per-view options and seen a bunch of movies that you’ve never heard of, chances are John has watched them. Why? He loves movies. All kinds of movies. Good, bad, so-bad-they’re good, even the truly unwatchable ones. He mostly loves horror and science-fiction and drive-in exploitation movies that most upstanding model citizens wouldn’t dare watch. Then he writes up his thoughts so you can decide - watch, don’t watch or avoid at all costs. Sometimes he even gets to talk to the cool folks who make some of your favorite films.

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Death Warrior

Posted Dec 8, 2009 by John Allman

Updated Dec 8, 2009 at 01:20 AM

Death Warrior
Genre: Action
Directed by: Bill Corcoran
Run time: 90 minutes
Rating: R
Format: DVD

The Lowdown: “Death Warrior,” the latest MMA-themed action fest to arrive direct-to-DVD, plows trough its 90-minute run time like a bull galloping down a narrow side street in Spain.

It pummels common sense, bludgeoning the viewer with an onslaught of absurdity and ignoring almost every standard moviemaking must-have such as plot, pacing or believability.

Billed as a feature-length showcase for the world’s best and most recognized mixed martial arts fighters (Georges St. Pierre, Quinton “Rampage” Jackson, Keith Jardine and Rashad Evans), “Death Fighter” is surprisingly DOA.

You’ve seen better action in lame Steven Seagal movies. You’ve seen better acting in late-night softcore Cinemax adult movies like “Cleavagefield.”

There’s simply no point to the proceedings. The fight choreography is considerably less than what these guys deliver every month on Pay-Per-View. And the story is a mishmash of every conceivable bad action movie of the past 10 years.

World champion Reinero (Hector Echavarria) wakes up one night to find his home under siege by a mysterious madman Ivan (Nick Mancuso) and his armed-to-the-teeth henchmen. Ivan injects Reinero’s wife with a slow-dissolving biological agent (because you can buy that kind of thing on the black market) and suddenly Reinero is fighting his former MMA peers in death matches that are broadcast over the internet to exclusive high bidders.

But none of this is actually explained in a way that might make sense in a really bad Jean-Claude Van Damme movie way of explaining such things. The creative forces don’t even try. Without explanation or warning, suddenly Reinero wakes up in an alley and has to kill his closest friends or else Ivan will kill his wife. Occasionally, the screen will show a computer screen announcing the next fight and display a bidding bar to show how many millions of dollars are pouring in to watch the fight. Even that is done so sloppily that you never actually know who’s watching or paying to support this underground fatal fetish.

Fighters pop up with no introduction and are quickly dispatched. There’s even a ninja.

The only reason to watch this disaster is to gauge the acting chops of former champ Rampage Jackson. And wow, does he suck.

This is the guy who won the coveted spot in the big-budget treatment of “The A Team”?

Really?

Michael Strahan is a better actor than this guy. Hell, even Kimbo Slice has more personality than this guy.

And Jackson is going to be filling the shoes of the iconic Mr. T as Bosco “B.A.” Baracus alongside Liam Neeson and Bradley Cooper?

Good God.

The Stuff You Care About:
Hot chicks – Yes.
Nudity – Yes.
Gore – MMA violence.
Drug use – No.
Bad Guys/Killers – Nick Mancuso, the venerable B-movie actor, as Ivan.
Buy/Rent – Neither.
On the Web – http://www.deathwarriormovie.com/
Release Date – Nov. 29, 2009