Chill
Genre: Horror
Director: Serge Rodnunsky
Run time: 88 minutes
Rating: R

The Lowdown: Horror goes retro.

That’s the tag line to this insufferable mess of a movie. What does it mean? Who knows. When did making crap become retro? It happens every year in Hollywood (Hello “Journey to the Center of the Earth”!)

This is a movie that does little besides sully poor H.P. Lovecraft’s name. Seriously, his estate should sue. There is no way that what passes for a movie here in any way closely resembles Lovecraft’s story “Cool Air.” I haven’t read the story, but I’m pretty confident that I’m right.

This is a movie where a hook-wielding, lumbering madman stalks a guy down a public street and despite the good 50-yard advantage the guy has, the madman suddenly catches up and then drags him – out in the open, mind you – all the way back to his van.

This is a movie that reaffirms that Thomas Calabro was lucky, damn lucky, to land “Melrose Place” because at least he’s still got that memory.

This is a movie that proves Ashley Laurence should stick to “Hellraiser” sequels and Screamfest convention panels.

This is a movie about a guy who carves pieces of skin off his victims, yet there’s hardly any blood.

This is a movie that should offend pimps and street thugs for its unbelievably stereotypical depiction of pimps and street thugs.

This is a movie that should be used to torture suspected terrorists. Forget water-boarding. Just push a TV/DVD combo into their cell, put this puppy on repeat for 24 hours and they will talk. Guaranteed.

This is a movie that you should not rent, should not buy, should not watch on cable, no matter how bored you are.

But you should thank me for watching it so you don’t have to.

The Stuff You Care About:
Hot chicks – Ashley Laurence is much hotter battling cenobites.
Nudity – No.
Gore – Gore? No. Bore? Yes.
Drug use – No.
Bad Guys/Killers – Serge Rodnunsky – he just killed the spirit of H.P. Lovecraft.
Buy/Rent – Avoid at all costs.
Release Date – Nov. 4, 2008