Children of the Corn (2009)
Genre: Horror/Remake
Directed by: Donald P. Borchers
Run time: 92 minutes
Rating: Unrated
Format: DVD

The Lowdown: OK, enough’s enough.

Can we please call for an infinite moratorium on freakin’ “Children of the Corn” movies?

Please.

And would someone also tie Stephen King to a chair and not let him near a computer if he ever thinks it’s a good idea to revisit his once creepy short story to give it another go.

This 2009 remake of the original 1984 film, co-written by King and original producer Donald P. Borchers, who pulls double-duty as director, tries to reinvent the franchise as a Vietnam-era meditation on God and the dangers of organized religion.

And it fails. Not spectacularly, but pitifully.

The new additions – a mixed-race Burt and Vicki, a new Issac and a weaker Malachai and the not-scary-at-all He Who Walks Behind the Rows – come off as annoying and laughable.

Issac and Malachai, in particular, pale by comparison to their original incarnations.

The entire film feels wrong from Burt and Vicki’s constant fighting, shouting, crying, abusiveness to the overwrought scenes of Heartland revival where Issac tries to rally his youthful congregation into believing that there is no life after 18.

This is the eighth “Children of the Corn” film in the past 25 years.

Hopefully, it’s the last.

The Stuff You Care About:
Hot chicks – Eh.
Nudity – Yes.
Gore – Minor.
Drug use – No.
Bad Guys/Killers – Malachai and Issac, boring blood brothers.
Buy/Rent – Neither.
Release Date – Oct. 6, 2009