John Allman

If you’ve ever wandered the aisles at the video store or surfed the DVR pay-per-view options and seen a bunch of movies that you’ve never heard of, chances are John has watched them. Why? He loves movies. All kinds of movies. Good, bad, so-bad-they’re good, even the truly unwatchable ones. He mostly loves horror and science-fiction and drive-in exploitation movies that most upstanding model citizens wouldn’t dare watch. Then he writes up his thoughts so you can decide - watch, don’t watch or avoid at all costs. Sometimes he even gets to talk to the cool folks who make some of your favorite films.

 Blood, Violence and Babes
 John Allman

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Children of the Corn 2009

Posted Nov 1, 2009 by John Allman

Updated Nov 1, 2009 at 01:23 PM

Children of the Corn (2009)
Genre: Horror/Remake
Directed by: Donald P. Borchers
Run time: 92 minutes
Rating: Unrated
Format: DVD

The Lowdown: OK, enough’s enough.

Can we please call for an infinite moratorium on freakin’ “Children of the Corn” movies?

Please.

And would someone also tie Stephen King to a chair and not let him near a computer if he ever thinks it’s a good idea to revisit his once creepy short story to give it another go.

This 2009 remake of the original 1984 film, co-written by King and original producer Donald P. Borchers, who pulls double-duty as director, tries to reinvent the franchise as a Vietnam-era meditation on God and the dangers of organized religion.

And it fails. Not spectacularly, but pitifully.

The new additions – a mixed-race Burt and Vicki, a new Issac and a weaker Malachai and the not-scary-at-all He Who Walks Behind the Rows – come off as annoying and laughable.

Issac and Malachai, in particular, pale by comparison to their original incarnations.

The entire film feels wrong from Burt and Vicki’s constant fighting, shouting, crying, abusiveness to the overwrought scenes of Heartland revival where Issac tries to rally his youthful congregation into believing that there is no life after 18.

This is the eighth “Children of the Corn” film in the past 25 years.

Hopefully, it’s the last.

The Stuff You Care About:
Hot chicks – Eh.
Nudity – Yes.
Gore – Minor.
Drug use – No.
Bad Guys/Killers – Malachai and Issac, boring blood brothers.
Buy/Rent – Neither.
Release Date – Oct. 6, 2009