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John Allman

If you’ve ever wandered the aisles at the video store or surfed the DVR pay-per-view options and seen a bunch of movies that you’ve never heard of, chances are John has watched them. Why? He loves movies. All kinds of movies. Good, bad, so-bad-they’re good, even the truly unwatchable ones. He mostly loves horror and science-fiction and drive-in exploitation movies that most upstanding model citizens wouldn’t dare watch. Then he writes up his thoughts so you can decide - watch, don’t watch or avoid at all costs. Sometimes he even gets to talk to the cool folks who make some of your favorite films.

Blood, Violence and Babes
John Allman

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Bitch Slap

Posted Mar 6, 2010 by John Allman

Updated Mar 6, 2010 at 11:51 AM

##### Slap
Genre: Action/Comedy/Grindhouse
Directed by: Rick Jacobson
Run time: 108 minutes
Rating: Unrated
Format: DVD

The Lowdown: OK, I’ll throw my hat into the ring and fess up. I dig chick fights. Always have. And by always, I mean going back some 25 years to the day when I first stumbled across early 1980s apartment wrestling with the va-va-voom voluptuous stars of Russ Meyer movies like Kitten Natividad and Uschi Digard.

And I love low-budget B-movies that capitalize on this particular fetish and include the ultra-hot and evil bad girl battling with the equally hot good girl.

So, suffice to say, I have been waiting for “##### Slap” to come out for some time.

Imagine an entire movie built around bodacious, badass bad girls who fight, drink, smoke and wear tight, provocative outfits that boggle the mind.

I couldn’t imagine how writer/director Rick Jacobson’s self-professed ode to Grindhouse B-movie legends like “Faster Pussycat Kill Kill” could be anything other than spectacular, just on content alone.

Boy, was I wrong.

Jacobson’s movie can’t find its compass and it careens across the screen like a runaway rikshaw, throwing together a disjointed story of revenge and sex that is neither sexy nor exciting.

I can look past the poor-man’s “Sin City” green screen and the unnecessary use of flashbacks. I can forgive the immature and silly nods to better James Bond movies. I can even gloss over the lack of nudity, particularly by the three female leads, despite the fact that none of them are that big of a star as to not show some skin.

But what ruined “##### Slap” for me was the incoherent and repetitive storyline, the grade-school Tarantino wannabe dialogue and the gratuitous lifting of characters from other, better movies.

A catfight movie shouldn’t be boring, but even the three climatic fights grew tiresome, in part, because there was no urgency, no peril, no emotional connection to the characters that would allow you to pick one side to root for over the other.

It’s a shame, too. Rarely do female characters get a chance to play with the big guns, kick some big-time butt and look hot without being objectified by a misogynistic evil overlord.

This should have been a home run. It’s an infield single at best in a slow slog of a game.

The Stuff You Care About:
Hot chicks – Erin Cummings, smoldering redhead with a great name. Julia Voth, raven-haired hot.
Nudity – Yes.
Gore – Yes.
Drug use – Yes.
Bad Guys/Killers – Girls with big guns.
Buy/Rent – Rent it.
On the Web – http://www.bitchslapmovie.com/
Release Date – March 2, 2010